Living in Yesterday

...Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said, "Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. I know that You always hear Me...” John 11:41-42

A few days ago I wrote extensively about experiencing the reality of the Fathers love. It was very difficult for me to write about this subject because, while I believe very passionately in experiencing God in this way, I was not. I wrote out of past experience. The things that I shared about I have experienced many times and when I write about them I get to relive them. It seems so real when I recount these moments that I have had with God. It warms my heart and makes me thankful for the goodness of God.

What’s the problem then? The problem is that while I was busy remembering all that God had done, I was growing increasingly distant from the present reality of His affections for me. Meaning, I was doing exactly what I was writing about. I had a really cool memory in my head but no present reality in my heart. Therefore, I was dying; I was experiencing sin. My patience wore thin. My attitude sucked and I hurt those around me. Life was growing dark and dim.

The reality of all this culminated Sunday evening when I was sitting on the porch with my wife. She told me about concerns that she had for Samuel and the way that my behavior was affecting him. He was really feeling hurt and rejected by me. I was aware of this already but was thankful to hear her perspective. All the prior week, God had been telling me that I was rejecting Samuel. It really grieved me but I felt powerless to change.

But as my wife and I talked that evening, I realized that I had been writing to myself. My blog about the love of Father and about not living in the abstract, was for me. I was living in the experiences of yesterday and was not experiencing the love of my Father today. Therefore, I was empty and unable to give my family what they needed.

So, I resolved to come to the Father to receive His affections for me. It was hard though because I realized something; I was afraid. I had been avoiding coming to my Father because I was afraid that maybe He wouldn’t be there this time. Or maybe, this time His love would not be as good as it was last time. Maybe, when I ask Him for love, I will only hear silence. I realized that I have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection. I am afraid that God is going to be holding out on me or that if I come and be vulnerable before Him that He will just leave me without saying a word. That is reality. I may “know” different in my head but in my heart, that is what I struggle with.

But I was honest with Him and just said, “Father I love you. Thank you that you love me.... What are you doing Father?” I asked. He said, “I am loving you.” In that moment I began to feel my heart swell with His tender affection.

My heart changed that day and I was a different person with my son. He has now changed as a result of that (just ask my wife).

Why is that we have to keep coming back to the Father for love? Why did He create us with hearts that leak and need to be refilled? I am not sure, but I think that it has something to do with Him wanting us to experience the goodness of His heart in a new way everyday - moment by moment. There is so much that He has to give and He wants us to experience His fullness as Jesus did.

This morning I sat down in my lazy boy to spend time with Abba. I was once again confronted with my fears. But I heard Jesus say,

“thank you that you always hear me Abba.”

I realized, with tears in my eyes, that I don’t have to be afraid because I am not alone. Father always hears me. He never leaves me. All I need to do is believe that Abba is as good as Jesus says He is, and surrender to that goodness.

It may seem faint at first, but try this and you will begin to feel the arms of Abba encompass you. There is no better place to be than in the arms of Eternity.