a dwindling light flickers in the sky
the end of night is drawing nigh
star of wonder that shown so bright
becomes a shadow in the birth of Light
could this truly be the promised One
defeater of death thy victory won
what held by such tiny hands
could forever change the heart of man
surely hidden from plain sight
was a power to break the dark of night
an infant cry in perfect peace
would soon be stilling raging seas
for unto us a Savior is born
to bring to life a love forlorn
unto us the Messiah has come
to reach beyond our blinding doubt
and show us what this lifes about
a man like us to walk alongside
with unflinching trust in His Fathers' delight
doing what no other could do
the Son came showing what He knew
a love hoped for but never received
has come in the form of a little baby
living and giving of a life so new
He is the Way for me and for you
rejoice you weary tired and bruised
those broken abandoned neglected and used
for the sinner the liar the murderer and thief
Jesus says come and in Me believe
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Honestly Held
The other day I spent several hours alone with Simone while Anna was out with her sisters. There was nobody at home so it was just Simone and I. Anna took off while Simone was sleeping and I sat in the living room reading a book. When Simone woke up she was very sad and seemed inconsolable. It was a beautiful day outside so I decided to take her out on the big swing (we were at the Davey's in West Lafayette). We casually swung for about five minutes. I was so happy to be swinging in the perfectly cool country air, overlooking a magnificent vista of trees and hills. The sky told of a coming storm with big dark clouds encroaching on the open sky, which is one of my favorite kinds of sky. But best of all, I had my little girl in my arms.
She was so precious as she leaned back against my chest and took in the scene as well. I wonder if she noticed the same things that I did. Like the dark clouds in the distance or the sound of the leaves seemingly trembling in anticipation of thirst quenching rain. She was looking at things that were much closer to us like the grass swaying in the wind and bird trying to get a quick meal before finding shelter. I wonder if she saw more detail than I; things that were smaller and more scalable to her. Like the ropes by which we were suspended. I saw her notice them out of the corner of her eye. She turned and examined where the rope connected to the seat of the swing and then she slowly looked up as her gaze followed along the entire length of rope, twenty-five feet up, to were it was tied around a tree branch. Then she examined the knot that was just above the seat of the swing to her left. She then considered that there might be one to her right as well. She turned and seemed satisfied to find one on her right as well. She reached out to touch the frayed ends of the knots and then grabbed hold of the rope just below. She looked to her left and seemed to be calculating the distance and deciding if her tiny arms could span the distance. Apparently her conclusion was that it was adequate as she reached and stretched her little arm out to the other side. Her little fingers tips barely reached the rope. Then, with characteristic Simone determination, she somehow stretched her arm a few inches further and grasped the rope. She held on tightly and satisfactorily looked out across the yard as would a captain regaining control of a ship gone awry.
I guess that her job was completed here because she raised her hand in the direction of the yard and started making little urgent noises, beckoning me to move on to some place new. We walked over to the trampoline and I set her down on the mat. The look on her face conveyed that I had misinterpreted her intentions and that she was quite sure that she was not going to be happy here. I had an idea to make things a little more interesting so I climbed up on the mat as well and laid down next to her. A little smile broke out on her face as if to say, "okay, so this might work." I grabbed a tennis ball and rolled it to one side of the trampoline. It quickly returned to us as my weight had created a sagging black hole of sorts. Simone liked this very much and giggled at our newfound game. I rolled the ball several more times before she reached out her hand and caught it. She was very pleased with herself. She lifted the ball up into the air with her short little arm in what appeared to be an attempt to toss the ball at me, but she let go of it too soon and it rolled down her back. After several more attempts she figured out that she needed to hold on to it for longer and was then able to throw it a good two feet.
So precious.
There was much more that we did together that day but my favorite thing of all was looking into her little blue eyes and learning her heart. We experienced a lot of different things together throughout the afternoon from playing and exploring to eating and relaxing on the porch. There is no substitute for one on one time with my children. I hope that I never forget that. There is so much depth of soul in my little ones that I will miss if I limit my role to just shepherding them. To truly be a father I must know their hearts and gracefully experience the depths of life with them. It will always take time; there is no quick way to lovingly live life with their little hearts. But as far as I know, it is one of best investments of time that I can possibly make.
There is something that changes in the heart of a child when they feel like they are known and yet still accepted and loved. If my children do not feel free to be honest with me, then, they will begin to hide their heart from me. I know that the only way that they will be able to trust me with their precious little hearts is if they feel like I know them and they know me - and that I will not try to control what I know about them. In other words, my son will not feel safe to expose the deep inter-workings of his heart if he knows that I will be upset and try to change what he shows me. He will develop secrets and darkness will grow as a result.
Transformation is never the result of fear. If my son changes his behavior out of a fear of being punished by me, then as soon as the threat is gone (I am not around--or he found a way to do it in secret), he will be left with the same heart issue that caused the "undesirable" behavior in the first place. Only this time, he will be all alone because I have taught him that I do not accept his brokenness. He will not feel safe to be himself with me. He will learn that this is something that he must hide and deal with on his own. He will learn that a christian is someone who is good at managing their behavior and hiding there brokenness - He will strive to be just like his dad.
True transformation is the result of being shaped by the one who fully knowns you, and at the same time, fully accepts you. This shaping takes place without effort or even consciousness on either persons part. This is what true authority looks like.
When my son was born, he fully trusted me and his heart was shaped by mine. A little known scientific fact is that the actual synapse and neural pathways in a child's brain are organized and shaped by looking into the eyes of their parents. My brain was/is downloaded and impressed into my children's--the good AND bad. They learn through their eyes much more than through their ears.
Like it or not (I don't most of the time), kids will reflect what they see--not so much what they are told. When my children look into my eyes they see the attitudes and brokeness that I have tried for years to deal with and/or hide. Many of these issues I am in denial about are issues that my parents never accepted about me and probably rejected about me. So I resent those things and deny that they exist. They were too painful for me to handle then because no one was there to be with me to help me work through them. There was only the threat of punishment if I did not find a way to kill or hide that part of my heart that was the root of the issue/behavior. So then when I see these same issues begin to surface in my kids, I get pissed and want to try to suppress and control them. I get pissed because the same pain and fear that I experienced as a child begins to resurface and as a defense mechanism, my subconsciousness activates anger/rejection to try to halt the external activity that is triggering this painful memory. Its a sick cycle.
What I needed and what my kids need is for these issues to loved, embraced, and understood. The one who is willing to and who we allow to embrace us in our brokeness will be the one who implicitly (subconsciously) shapes us.
As a parent, believe me, I know that this is very hard to do. I am constantly at war with my past as it attempts to control how I react to the present. Think about it; when I get angry at my kids because of their "bad" behavior, I am most often "re-acting" something from my past. My subconsciousness says, "this is how we dealt with this in the past--this is how we will deal with it now." My calling as a parent however dictates that I be responsible; that I maintain the "respond-ability" or"ability-to-respond" to my kids and turn my affections toward them, not "re-act" to them and turn away from them! Re-acting is a self defense mechanism. Respond-ability is the ability lovingly respond to our kids worse behavior--it seeks the other persons best and embraces the darkness without any thought of self.
How is this possible? The only way that I know of is for me to believe in and trust in Jesus--that He loves and accepts me--and then allow Him to begin to embrace and accept these places in my heart that I have suppressed and kept hidden for years. This is what it means to be saved. This is the work of Grace. This is what Jesus came for; what He died for. To show us how far His love would go: to death and back. There is nothing too dark or too deep or too dead**. His grace extends to all-of-me. (for a real life example from my life of this process, read: http://tiny.cc/y5611)
My role as a parent is to do my best to be honest with my children. I am to show them the truth about what Jesus has done in my heart and to also be honest about the brokeness that I know they can see in me. I have to be honest and not pretend that daddy is perfect. I must not be afraid of losing their respect or fear that they will not honor me if they see my flaws. My only concern is that they see the work of Jesus in my life and they know that they need Jesus as much as I do; that we are the same--both in need of a savior; both broken. How else will they know? Must they wait until they leave home to get a dose of reality--to see the Truth--to see Jesus? Will I construct an alternate reality where I daily deceive them into thinking that everything is okay with me?--that they are the ones who are messed up--not ME??
By Gods grace they will see Him in me today and know that the goal is not to be perfect, but to be honestly held and known by both me and their Father in heaven.
**It is important to realize that while God has the ability to see and know everything about you, He chooses not to. There will come a day when the mountains will melt like wax before Him and everything will be laid bare---but that day is not yet. For now, He has limited Himself to only know(experience) what you are willing to share with Him. God honors you and does not force Himself on you. The nature of His love is that it changes whatever it touches. If His love was everywhere and touched all of you--you would be just like Him. But you are not. Because you have areas of your heart that you have kept "hidden" from Him; from His love.
Its the way real relationships work. Maybe pretend "theological" relationships are more fun to be believe in but whatever.... I can only know my wife to the extent that she trusts me and is willing to be honest with me. We may say that we trust Jesus--but the whole truth is that there are many areas in our heart we have yet to intrust Him with. Thats okay. Just don't lie--dont live in denial. Be broken in front of Jesus, in front of your spouse, in front of your kids. The world needs to see the real thing. I am tired of being fake. Aren't you?
She was so precious as she leaned back against my chest and took in the scene as well. I wonder if she noticed the same things that I did. Like the dark clouds in the distance or the sound of the leaves seemingly trembling in anticipation of thirst quenching rain. She was looking at things that were much closer to us like the grass swaying in the wind and bird trying to get a quick meal before finding shelter. I wonder if she saw more detail than I; things that were smaller and more scalable to her. Like the ropes by which we were suspended. I saw her notice them out of the corner of her eye. She turned and examined where the rope connected to the seat of the swing and then she slowly looked up as her gaze followed along the entire length of rope, twenty-five feet up, to were it was tied around a tree branch. Then she examined the knot that was just above the seat of the swing to her left. She then considered that there might be one to her right as well. She turned and seemed satisfied to find one on her right as well. She reached out to touch the frayed ends of the knots and then grabbed hold of the rope just below. She looked to her left and seemed to be calculating the distance and deciding if her tiny arms could span the distance. Apparently her conclusion was that it was adequate as she reached and stretched her little arm out to the other side. Her little fingers tips barely reached the rope. Then, with characteristic Simone determination, she somehow stretched her arm a few inches further and grasped the rope. She held on tightly and satisfactorily looked out across the yard as would a captain regaining control of a ship gone awry.
I guess that her job was completed here because she raised her hand in the direction of the yard and started making little urgent noises, beckoning me to move on to some place new. We walked over to the trampoline and I set her down on the mat. The look on her face conveyed that I had misinterpreted her intentions and that she was quite sure that she was not going to be happy here. I had an idea to make things a little more interesting so I climbed up on the mat as well and laid down next to her. A little smile broke out on her face as if to say, "okay, so this might work." I grabbed a tennis ball and rolled it to one side of the trampoline. It quickly returned to us as my weight had created a sagging black hole of sorts. Simone liked this very much and giggled at our newfound game. I rolled the ball several more times before she reached out her hand and caught it. She was very pleased with herself. She lifted the ball up into the air with her short little arm in what appeared to be an attempt to toss the ball at me, but she let go of it too soon and it rolled down her back. After several more attempts she figured out that she needed to hold on to it for longer and was then able to throw it a good two feet.
So precious.
There is something that changes in the heart of a child when they feel like they are known and yet still accepted and loved. If my children do not feel free to be honest with me, then, they will begin to hide their heart from me. I know that the only way that they will be able to trust me with their precious little hearts is if they feel like I know them and they know me - and that I will not try to control what I know about them. In other words, my son will not feel safe to expose the deep inter-workings of his heart if he knows that I will be upset and try to change what he shows me. He will develop secrets and darkness will grow as a result.
Transformation is never the result of fear. If my son changes his behavior out of a fear of being punished by me, then as soon as the threat is gone (I am not around--or he found a way to do it in secret), he will be left with the same heart issue that caused the "undesirable" behavior in the first place. Only this time, he will be all alone because I have taught him that I do not accept his brokenness. He will not feel safe to be himself with me. He will learn that this is something that he must hide and deal with on his own. He will learn that a christian is someone who is good at managing their behavior and hiding there brokenness - He will strive to be just like his dad.
True transformation is the result of being shaped by the one who fully knowns you, and at the same time, fully accepts you. This shaping takes place without effort or even consciousness on either persons part. This is what true authority looks like.
When my son was born, he fully trusted me and his heart was shaped by mine. A little known scientific fact is that the actual synapse and neural pathways in a child's brain are organized and shaped by looking into the eyes of their parents. My brain was/is downloaded and impressed into my children's--the good AND bad. They learn through their eyes much more than through their ears.
Like it or not (I don't most of the time), kids will reflect what they see--not so much what they are told. When my children look into my eyes they see the attitudes and brokeness that I have tried for years to deal with and/or hide. Many of these issues I am in denial about are issues that my parents never accepted about me and probably rejected about me. So I resent those things and deny that they exist. They were too painful for me to handle then because no one was there to be with me to help me work through them. There was only the threat of punishment if I did not find a way to kill or hide that part of my heart that was the root of the issue/behavior. So then when I see these same issues begin to surface in my kids, I get pissed and want to try to suppress and control them. I get pissed because the same pain and fear that I experienced as a child begins to resurface and as a defense mechanism, my subconsciousness activates anger/rejection to try to halt the external activity that is triggering this painful memory. Its a sick cycle.
What I needed and what my kids need is for these issues to loved, embraced, and understood. The one who is willing to and who we allow to embrace us in our brokeness will be the one who implicitly (subconsciously) shapes us.
As a parent, believe me, I know that this is very hard to do. I am constantly at war with my past as it attempts to control how I react to the present. Think about it; when I get angry at my kids because of their "bad" behavior, I am most often "re-acting" something from my past. My subconsciousness says, "this is how we dealt with this in the past--this is how we will deal with it now." My calling as a parent however dictates that I be responsible; that I maintain the "respond-ability" or"ability-to-respond" to my kids and turn my affections toward them, not "re-act" to them and turn away from them! Re-acting is a self defense mechanism. Respond-ability is the ability lovingly respond to our kids worse behavior--it seeks the other persons best and embraces the darkness without any thought of self.
How is this possible? The only way that I know of is for me to believe in and trust in Jesus--that He loves and accepts me--and then allow Him to begin to embrace and accept these places in my heart that I have suppressed and kept hidden for years. This is what it means to be saved. This is the work of Grace. This is what Jesus came for; what He died for. To show us how far His love would go: to death and back. There is nothing too dark or too deep or too dead**. His grace extends to all-of-me. (for a real life example from my life of this process, read: http://tiny.cc/y5611)
My role as a parent is to do my best to be honest with my children. I am to show them the truth about what Jesus has done in my heart and to also be honest about the brokeness that I know they can see in me. I have to be honest and not pretend that daddy is perfect. I must not be afraid of losing their respect or fear that they will not honor me if they see my flaws. My only concern is that they see the work of Jesus in my life and they know that they need Jesus as much as I do; that we are the same--both in need of a savior; both broken. How else will they know? Must they wait until they leave home to get a dose of reality--to see the Truth--to see Jesus? Will I construct an alternate reality where I daily deceive them into thinking that everything is okay with me?--that they are the ones who are messed up--not ME??
By Gods grace they will see Him in me today and know that the goal is not to be perfect, but to be honestly held and known by both me and their Father in heaven.
**It is important to realize that while God has the ability to see and know everything about you, He chooses not to. There will come a day when the mountains will melt like wax before Him and everything will be laid bare---but that day is not yet. For now, He has limited Himself to only know(experience) what you are willing to share with Him. God honors you and does not force Himself on you. The nature of His love is that it changes whatever it touches. If His love was everywhere and touched all of you--you would be just like Him. But you are not. Because you have areas of your heart that you have kept "hidden" from Him; from His love.
Its the way real relationships work. Maybe pretend "theological" relationships are more fun to be believe in but whatever.... I can only know my wife to the extent that she trusts me and is willing to be honest with me. We may say that we trust Jesus--but the whole truth is that there are many areas in our heart we have yet to intrust Him with. Thats okay. Just don't lie--dont live in denial. Be broken in front of Jesus, in front of your spouse, in front of your kids. The world needs to see the real thing. I am tired of being fake. Aren't you?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Burn the Bridges
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me." Psalm 23:4
I have been found in the valley a time or two. In fact, I would say that I have lived a good portion of my life there. But you wouldn't know by talking with me that this was the case. I learned at an early age that nobody talks about the valley. Christians are not supposed to be in the valley. Its a dark place full of evil and sin. How could someone who "claims" to be a Christian struggle with sin? Jesus came to save us from sin after all. So how can you who claim to love Jesus have a consistent struggle with the same sin over and over? Whats wrong with you? Why aren't you changing?
The shame grew and I suppressed the truth about my condition deeper and deeper. I developed stories and ideas about myself to compensate for the times that some of my valley became visible. I would say things like, "thats not who I am really... I am a new creation" or "that was the enemy who pulled me down. I did not want to do that" and so on. Comforting thoughts - kind of - but they did very little to effect any change. I hated the pretense of myself and others but I knew that we were all doing what we had to in order to survive. We were saved and therefore not allowed to be in the valley.
So in my own strength I found that I was able to partially scale up one side of the mountain and I began to construct a bridge to the other side. Finally, I had a taste of freedom from the misery of failure. The thrill of being above the valley and being on my way to holiness was awesome. Sometimes I was able to keep my bridge building going for weeks. "Ha! No valley for me! Oh yah." I would think. Honestly though I was terrified of the darkness that was lurking below me. I had to watch my footing carefully. One wrong move and I knew that I was toast. It was exhausting. Much of my energy was devoted to the careful management of my behaviors so as to make sure that I did not slip-up and fall back into the darkness below. I was so tired of being stuck in the same spot and dealing with the same issues. This bridge that I was constructing was my only hope because the bible made it clear what was expected of me. Jesus was perfect and He showed me the way. Down in the darkness of the valley, in the place of my weaknesses and failures, I was unable to see a way to the other side. I had to climb up on my own and build a bridge across.
Gods way of Salvation is by showing us how to live and then giving us the strength to live that way. Right? Is not the way that Jesus saves us is by somehow energizing us and motivating us to obey the law? If we can live in way so as to not sin ever again, that would fix things and make us like Jesus - because that was what made Him so special; His ability to refrain from sin, right?
How could you be living in sin if you love God and know that what you are doing is wrong? Don't you know that Jesus died for you??? Doesn't that make you want to live the right way and worship and serve Him for the rest of your life?? He loved you that much. Doesn't that make you want to love Him in return?
One question. Does any of this work? This is what many Christians believe.... does it work? Has it produced anything more than a bunch of people who are afraid to be real and honest and therefore live a life of shallow pretense? Has it affected any kind of change other than the perfection of our exterior and death our interior? We sing about being dry and thirsty, desperate for encountering God, and it is true. We are. Because we are dead inside. We are longing for the abundant life that Jesus promised and do not know how to get it. We are stuck with our fake outsides and our valley of the shadow of death inside.
We try to worship and pray our way out of the valley. We work on building that bridge and fighting the good fight - pressing on towards our goal of being awesome like Jesus. Just when it feels like we are getting somewhere - oops - another fall. Back in the valley, we have to find the strength to worship and pray our way out again. I have heard it said that what makes a Christian different from a non-believer is that when a Christian falls, they get back up. There was that song a while back that went like this: "We fall down, and get up... x3. and the saints are just the sinners who fall down....(dramatic pause) and get up." Wow.... how epic. This is abundant life? Sign me up.
Honestly, that was inspiring to me during my bridge building years. It kept me going because it was all that I had. But I knew that there had to be something more.
It all changed when the Holy Spirit set my bridge on fire. I gave up after fighting the fight for almost 20 years. I watched as all of my hopes of being able to make it - burned to the ground. I can not remember who said it, but I read recently that someone said, "I pray that I may be quit of God, that I may truly know Him."
That was me. I quit. It did not make sense anymore. I was all tangled up and confused by all the meaningless christianese rhetoric. I knew that Jesus was real and I knew that I did not know Him. I started asking the Holy Spirit to reveal Jesus to me. I told the Spirit that I truly wanted to know Jesus; not as I thought He was but as He truly is. I invited the Spirit to destroy and burn down everything that I was depending on that kept me from knowing the truth - that kept me from trusting Him.
That began quite the process in me. I let go of so much during this time, the hardest of which was Jesus asking me to let go of trying to do the right thing. He made it clear that He did not want me to try to stand up, climb up, or build anything again. He asked me to surrender responsibility of my morality to Him; to stop trying to obey Him and to simply trust that, in the midst of the valley, He was okay with me being there. That was hard to do.
What was even more difficult was that He told me that He wanted to be with me in the valley. In the midst of my brokeness and weakness - He wanted to have fellowship with me. The valley is the most vulnerable place you have. To have fellowship with someone in the valley you must trust them implicitly. God designed our psyche in such a way that we will deny access to our valley to anyone who we do not feel safe with.
I did not feel safe with Jesus. I felt that He was disappointed in me and that His countenance dropped when I made mistakes. I feared being rejected by Him but I was out of options. My bridges had been burned and my efforts to climb grounded. Jesus became my only choice.
One morning, I started singing a song that I had heard the night before. I memorized the words so that I could sing it over my kids. The words are, "I'm so proud of you, so proud of you. My child I am so proud of you. I am proud of you when you are sleeping. I am proud of you when you're awake. And whatever you don't stop trying, 'cause learning makes lots of mistakes."
As I was singing this little song I sensed the Lord speak to me and say, "Sing that over yourself." I felt really silly but with much reluctance I replaced "child" with "Jacob" and began singing as drove my garbage truck off into the country. I sang it through once and the Lord said, "sing it again." So I did. I kept singing for more than an hour. Every time I sang it, I heard my voice less and the Fathers voice more. I got to the point were I could barely hear myself singing and it was at about that time that I broke inside. I started sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn't a happy cry. It was the overflow of years of feeling like I had failed God and that He was disappointed with me. It was not the result that I was expecting but my heart was so full of doubt that it came out in sobs as I started to dare to believe that His heart was for me.
The real fruit did not come until the next day. I made a big mistake. In the midst of my failure, the Father started singing over me, "I am proud of you, so proud of you. Jacob, I am so proud of you..." It was so clear and so loud that it almost startled me. I was not expecting that. It felt awkward and unreal that God would be singing those words to me in the midst of me doing what I was sure disappointed Him. But it was real.
That day was a turning point for me. I slowly began to believe that His heart was for me. I began to look to experience His affections for me while in the valley. The more that I felt His heart towards me regardless of my performance, the less I feared making mistakes. There was nowhere that I could go - or fall - where He was not with me, loving me, telling me He was proud of me.
There is a Psalm that says, "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there. If I make my bed (inhabit) in Sheol (the valley), You are there." I believe that this is actually a prophetic writing of what was to come. Before Jesus, man was separated from God and lost in the valley of the shadow of death (Sheol). There was no way out. God even gave them the perfect Law to stand on and see if that got them high enough to get out of the darkness of the valley. It did not. It was not until Jesus came - who was the Light; who was the Truth; who was the Way - that man had a way out of the darkness. He died so that He could cross over into our darkness and be with us in our place of weakness and brokeness.
The Psalm continues, "...even the darkness will not be dark to You. The night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to You." Can you see it? Your darkness is not dark to Jesus. The black of night that you feel trapped in shines like the day from Jesus' view. There is something that changes inside of you when you let the Light of the world into the darkest place in your heart. It doesn't seem dark anymore. What you feared would ruin you if you exposed it to Him, actually goes through a metamorphoses (going from immature to mature) in the Light of His love and total acceptance of you. We are shaped by who we trust and feel safe with the weakest places in our hearts. Please understand, this is not the goal of Jesus - that you would be changed. But, you will be. He loves and accepts you because that is His heart, that is His goal. That you would know His affections for you.
You see, what is so hard for us to understand is that we are frozen and imprisoned in our sin until we experience the complete love and acceptance of Jesus in that very place. And He is not in a hurry. His goal is not to love and accept you and then quickly move you someplace better. No, He sits with you for a while. He puts His arms around you and just holds you. It is awkward because you know that you are filthy and He is so clean - but He doesn't seem to mind. He waits and looks in your eyes to see if it has sunk in yet - that He loves you as you are. He does not expect you to change. If you get it - that He loves and accepts you as you are without a clause that you have to change at some point - you will change.
Let me say it again. When you stop trying to change and realize that He is not trying to change you; that He only wants to simply pour His love out on you - you will change. It is only when the deepest darkest place in our heart encounters the Light of the depth of His love and acceptance of us - that we are changed. And the only way for that encounter to happen is for the only goal to be knowing His affections for you. "Deep calls out to deep..." Does the deep in you know that the depths of Him longs to embrace you - all of you?
I know that it is counter to the way that we have been taught to believe. The world rewards good behavior with love and acceptance and bad behavior with anger and rejection. That is not the Father that Jesus reveals though. He rewards you with love and acceptance because you are His child. Period. It doesn't change based on your performance.
My story above is about my struggle with pornography. For almost twenty years I have been in an intense battle for purity. I read every book on the subject and went through counseling and conferences and deliverance and so on. None of it changed me. I learned a lot of tools through those resources like ways to avoid bad behavior by setting boundaries and safety nets and accountability partners and so on. But the problem is that all of that is all fear based and did not address the deep need in my heart to be loved and accepted. Fear is of the darkness and you can not fight darkness (the valley) with darkness (fear and rejection). In this case a negative multiplied by a negative does not equal a positive. It just equals more darkness and the reinforcement of the prison of sin.
Jesus came to me and held me in the midst of my brokeness - in the midst of my mess. I laid on the dusty, dirty, desert floor of the valley and He sat with me and loved on me until I got it. When I finally trusted Him with my life - all of my life - He picked me up and carried me out of the valley. I am now free. Not because of what I have, but because of who has me.
I don't try to do the right thing anymore. I don't have to. My life is in His hands and my heart is shaped by His. Pornography no longer has a hold on me. And that is not a theological declaration trying to speak things into being that are not - as if God gave us magic spells that we can speak over ourselves. That is a bunch of crap. No, I am really free. I can be face to face with pornography and it does not touch my heart or pull on me in any way. Not because of what I've have, but because of who has me.
Do I still have dark places in my heart? Yes. There are other areas in my heart that are orphaned and alone, cowering in the darkness of the valley. Places that have yet to experience the loving embrace of the Father. But a homecoming is not far off for them. Guaranteed.
I have been found in the valley a time or two. In fact, I would say that I have lived a good portion of my life there. But you wouldn't know by talking with me that this was the case. I learned at an early age that nobody talks about the valley. Christians are not supposed to be in the valley. Its a dark place full of evil and sin. How could someone who "claims" to be a Christian struggle with sin? Jesus came to save us from sin after all. So how can you who claim to love Jesus have a consistent struggle with the same sin over and over? Whats wrong with you? Why aren't you changing?
The shame grew and I suppressed the truth about my condition deeper and deeper. I developed stories and ideas about myself to compensate for the times that some of my valley became visible. I would say things like, "thats not who I am really... I am a new creation" or "that was the enemy who pulled me down. I did not want to do that" and so on. Comforting thoughts - kind of - but they did very little to effect any change. I hated the pretense of myself and others but I knew that we were all doing what we had to in order to survive. We were saved and therefore not allowed to be in the valley.
So in my own strength I found that I was able to partially scale up one side of the mountain and I began to construct a bridge to the other side. Finally, I had a taste of freedom from the misery of failure. The thrill of being above the valley and being on my way to holiness was awesome. Sometimes I was able to keep my bridge building going for weeks. "Ha! No valley for me! Oh yah." I would think. Honestly though I was terrified of the darkness that was lurking below me. I had to watch my footing carefully. One wrong move and I knew that I was toast. It was exhausting. Much of my energy was devoted to the careful management of my behaviors so as to make sure that I did not slip-up and fall back into the darkness below. I was so tired of being stuck in the same spot and dealing with the same issues. This bridge that I was constructing was my only hope because the bible made it clear what was expected of me. Jesus was perfect and He showed me the way. Down in the darkness of the valley, in the place of my weaknesses and failures, I was unable to see a way to the other side. I had to climb up on my own and build a bridge across.
Gods way of Salvation is by showing us how to live and then giving us the strength to live that way. Right? Is not the way that Jesus saves us is by somehow energizing us and motivating us to obey the law? If we can live in way so as to not sin ever again, that would fix things and make us like Jesus - because that was what made Him so special; His ability to refrain from sin, right?
How could you be living in sin if you love God and know that what you are doing is wrong? Don't you know that Jesus died for you??? Doesn't that make you want to live the right way and worship and serve Him for the rest of your life?? He loved you that much. Doesn't that make you want to love Him in return?
One question. Does any of this work? This is what many Christians believe.... does it work? Has it produced anything more than a bunch of people who are afraid to be real and honest and therefore live a life of shallow pretense? Has it affected any kind of change other than the perfection of our exterior and death our interior? We sing about being dry and thirsty, desperate for encountering God, and it is true. We are. Because we are dead inside. We are longing for the abundant life that Jesus promised and do not know how to get it. We are stuck with our fake outsides and our valley of the shadow of death inside.
We try to worship and pray our way out of the valley. We work on building that bridge and fighting the good fight - pressing on towards our goal of being awesome like Jesus. Just when it feels like we are getting somewhere - oops - another fall. Back in the valley, we have to find the strength to worship and pray our way out again. I have heard it said that what makes a Christian different from a non-believer is that when a Christian falls, they get back up. There was that song a while back that went like this: "We fall down, and get up... x3. and the saints are just the sinners who fall down....(dramatic pause) and get up." Wow.... how epic. This is abundant life? Sign me up.
Honestly, that was inspiring to me during my bridge building years. It kept me going because it was all that I had. But I knew that there had to be something more.
It all changed when the Holy Spirit set my bridge on fire. I gave up after fighting the fight for almost 20 years. I watched as all of my hopes of being able to make it - burned to the ground. I can not remember who said it, but I read recently that someone said, "I pray that I may be quit of God, that I may truly know Him."
That was me. I quit. It did not make sense anymore. I was all tangled up and confused by all the meaningless christianese rhetoric. I knew that Jesus was real and I knew that I did not know Him. I started asking the Holy Spirit to reveal Jesus to me. I told the Spirit that I truly wanted to know Jesus; not as I thought He was but as He truly is. I invited the Spirit to destroy and burn down everything that I was depending on that kept me from knowing the truth - that kept me from trusting Him.
That began quite the process in me. I let go of so much during this time, the hardest of which was Jesus asking me to let go of trying to do the right thing. He made it clear that He did not want me to try to stand up, climb up, or build anything again. He asked me to surrender responsibility of my morality to Him; to stop trying to obey Him and to simply trust that, in the midst of the valley, He was okay with me being there. That was hard to do.
What was even more difficult was that He told me that He wanted to be with me in the valley. In the midst of my brokeness and weakness - He wanted to have fellowship with me. The valley is the most vulnerable place you have. To have fellowship with someone in the valley you must trust them implicitly. God designed our psyche in such a way that we will deny access to our valley to anyone who we do not feel safe with.
I did not feel safe with Jesus. I felt that He was disappointed in me and that His countenance dropped when I made mistakes. I feared being rejected by Him but I was out of options. My bridges had been burned and my efforts to climb grounded. Jesus became my only choice.
One morning, I started singing a song that I had heard the night before. I memorized the words so that I could sing it over my kids. The words are, "I'm so proud of you, so proud of you. My child I am so proud of you. I am proud of you when you are sleeping. I am proud of you when you're awake. And whatever you don't stop trying, 'cause learning makes lots of mistakes."
As I was singing this little song I sensed the Lord speak to me and say, "Sing that over yourself." I felt really silly but with much reluctance I replaced "child" with "Jacob" and began singing as drove my garbage truck off into the country. I sang it through once and the Lord said, "sing it again." So I did. I kept singing for more than an hour. Every time I sang it, I heard my voice less and the Fathers voice more. I got to the point were I could barely hear myself singing and it was at about that time that I broke inside. I started sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn't a happy cry. It was the overflow of years of feeling like I had failed God and that He was disappointed with me. It was not the result that I was expecting but my heart was so full of doubt that it came out in sobs as I started to dare to believe that His heart was for me.
The real fruit did not come until the next day. I made a big mistake. In the midst of my failure, the Father started singing over me, "I am proud of you, so proud of you. Jacob, I am so proud of you..." It was so clear and so loud that it almost startled me. I was not expecting that. It felt awkward and unreal that God would be singing those words to me in the midst of me doing what I was sure disappointed Him. But it was real.
That day was a turning point for me. I slowly began to believe that His heart was for me. I began to look to experience His affections for me while in the valley. The more that I felt His heart towards me regardless of my performance, the less I feared making mistakes. There was nowhere that I could go - or fall - where He was not with me, loving me, telling me He was proud of me.
There is a Psalm that says, "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there. If I make my bed (inhabit) in Sheol (the valley), You are there." I believe that this is actually a prophetic writing of what was to come. Before Jesus, man was separated from God and lost in the valley of the shadow of death (Sheol). There was no way out. God even gave them the perfect Law to stand on and see if that got them high enough to get out of the darkness of the valley. It did not. It was not until Jesus came - who was the Light; who was the Truth; who was the Way - that man had a way out of the darkness. He died so that He could cross over into our darkness and be with us in our place of weakness and brokeness.
The Psalm continues, "...even the darkness will not be dark to You. The night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to You." Can you see it? Your darkness is not dark to Jesus. The black of night that you feel trapped in shines like the day from Jesus' view. There is something that changes inside of you when you let the Light of the world into the darkest place in your heart. It doesn't seem dark anymore. What you feared would ruin you if you exposed it to Him, actually goes through a metamorphoses (going from immature to mature) in the Light of His love and total acceptance of you. We are shaped by who we trust and feel safe with the weakest places in our hearts. Please understand, this is not the goal of Jesus - that you would be changed. But, you will be. He loves and accepts you because that is His heart, that is His goal. That you would know His affections for you.
You see, what is so hard for us to understand is that we are frozen and imprisoned in our sin until we experience the complete love and acceptance of Jesus in that very place. And He is not in a hurry. His goal is not to love and accept you and then quickly move you someplace better. No, He sits with you for a while. He puts His arms around you and just holds you. It is awkward because you know that you are filthy and He is so clean - but He doesn't seem to mind. He waits and looks in your eyes to see if it has sunk in yet - that He loves you as you are. He does not expect you to change. If you get it - that He loves and accepts you as you are without a clause that you have to change at some point - you will change.
Let me say it again. When you stop trying to change and realize that He is not trying to change you; that He only wants to simply pour His love out on you - you will change. It is only when the deepest darkest place in our heart encounters the Light of the depth of His love and acceptance of us - that we are changed. And the only way for that encounter to happen is for the only goal to be knowing His affections for you. "Deep calls out to deep..." Does the deep in you know that the depths of Him longs to embrace you - all of you?
I know that it is counter to the way that we have been taught to believe. The world rewards good behavior with love and acceptance and bad behavior with anger and rejection. That is not the Father that Jesus reveals though. He rewards you with love and acceptance because you are His child. Period. It doesn't change based on your performance.
My story above is about my struggle with pornography. For almost twenty years I have been in an intense battle for purity. I read every book on the subject and went through counseling and conferences and deliverance and so on. None of it changed me. I learned a lot of tools through those resources like ways to avoid bad behavior by setting boundaries and safety nets and accountability partners and so on. But the problem is that all of that is all fear based and did not address the deep need in my heart to be loved and accepted. Fear is of the darkness and you can not fight darkness (the valley) with darkness (fear and rejection). In this case a negative multiplied by a negative does not equal a positive. It just equals more darkness and the reinforcement of the prison of sin.
Jesus came to me and held me in the midst of my brokeness - in the midst of my mess. I laid on the dusty, dirty, desert floor of the valley and He sat with me and loved on me until I got it. When I finally trusted Him with my life - all of my life - He picked me up and carried me out of the valley. I am now free. Not because of what I have, but because of who has me.
I don't try to do the right thing anymore. I don't have to. My life is in His hands and my heart is shaped by His. Pornography no longer has a hold on me. And that is not a theological declaration trying to speak things into being that are not - as if God gave us magic spells that we can speak over ourselves. That is a bunch of crap. No, I am really free. I can be face to face with pornography and it does not touch my heart or pull on me in any way. Not because of what I've have, but because of who has me.
Do I still have dark places in my heart? Yes. There are other areas in my heart that are orphaned and alone, cowering in the darkness of the valley. Places that have yet to experience the loving embrace of the Father. But a homecoming is not far off for them. Guaranteed.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Living in Yesterday
...Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said, "Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. I know that You always hear Me...” John 11:41-42
A few days ago I wrote extensively about experiencing the reality of the Fathers love. It was very difficult for me to write about this subject because, while I believe very passionately in experiencing God in this way, I was not. I wrote out of past experience. The things that I shared about I have experienced many times and when I write about them I get to relive them. It seems so real when I recount these moments that I have had with God. It warms my heart and makes me thankful for the goodness of God.
What’s the problem then? The problem is that while I was busy remembering all that God had done, I was growing increasingly distant from the present reality of His affections for me. Meaning, I was doing exactly what I was writing about. I had a really cool memory in my head but no present reality in my heart. Therefore, I was dying; I was experiencing sin. My patience wore thin. My attitude sucked and I hurt those around me. Life was growing dark and dim.
The reality of all this culminated Sunday evening when I was sitting on the porch with my wife. She told me about concerns that she had for Samuel and the way that my behavior was affecting him. He was really feeling hurt and rejected by me. I was aware of this already but was thankful to hear her perspective. All the prior week, God had been telling me that I was rejecting Samuel. It really grieved me but I felt powerless to change.
But as my wife and I talked that evening, I realized that I had been writing to myself. My blog about the love of Father and about not living in the abstract, was for me. I was living in the experiences of yesterday and was not experiencing the love of my Father today. Therefore, I was empty and unable to give my family what they needed.
So, I resolved to come to the Father to receive His affections for me. It was hard though because I realized something; I was afraid. I had been avoiding coming to my Father because I was afraid that maybe He wouldn’t be there this time. Or maybe, this time His love would not be as good as it was last time. Maybe, when I ask Him for love, I will only hear silence. I realized that I have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection. I am afraid that God is going to be holding out on me or that if I come and be vulnerable before Him that He will just leave me without saying a word. That is reality. I may “know” different in my head but in my heart, that is what I struggle with.
But I was honest with Him and just said, “Father I love you. Thank you that you love me.... What are you doing Father?” I asked. He said, “I am loving you.” In that moment I began to feel my heart swell with His tender affection.
My heart changed that day and I was a different person with my son. He has now changed as a result of that (just ask my wife).
Why is that we have to keep coming back to the Father for love? Why did He create us with hearts that leak and need to be refilled? I am not sure, but I think that it has something to do with Him wanting us to experience the goodness of His heart in a new way everyday - moment by moment. There is so much that He has to give and He wants us to experience His fullness as Jesus did.
This morning I sat down in my lazy boy to spend time with Abba. I was once again confronted with my fears. But I heard Jesus say,
“thank you that you always hear me Abba.”
I realized, with tears in my eyes, that I don’t have to be afraid because I am not alone. Father always hears me. He never leaves me. All I need to do is believe that Abba is as good as Jesus says He is, and surrender to that goodness.
It may seem faint at first, but try this and you will begin to feel the arms of Abba encompass you. There is no better place to be than in the arms of Eternity.
A few days ago I wrote extensively about experiencing the reality of the Fathers love. It was very difficult for me to write about this subject because, while I believe very passionately in experiencing God in this way, I was not. I wrote out of past experience. The things that I shared about I have experienced many times and when I write about them I get to relive them. It seems so real when I recount these moments that I have had with God. It warms my heart and makes me thankful for the goodness of God.
What’s the problem then? The problem is that while I was busy remembering all that God had done, I was growing increasingly distant from the present reality of His affections for me. Meaning, I was doing exactly what I was writing about. I had a really cool memory in my head but no present reality in my heart. Therefore, I was dying; I was experiencing sin. My patience wore thin. My attitude sucked and I hurt those around me. Life was growing dark and dim.
The reality of all this culminated Sunday evening when I was sitting on the porch with my wife. She told me about concerns that she had for Samuel and the way that my behavior was affecting him. He was really feeling hurt and rejected by me. I was aware of this already but was thankful to hear her perspective. All the prior week, God had been telling me that I was rejecting Samuel. It really grieved me but I felt powerless to change.
But as my wife and I talked that evening, I realized that I had been writing to myself. My blog about the love of Father and about not living in the abstract, was for me. I was living in the experiences of yesterday and was not experiencing the love of my Father today. Therefore, I was empty and unable to give my family what they needed.
So, I resolved to come to the Father to receive His affections for me. It was hard though because I realized something; I was afraid. I had been avoiding coming to my Father because I was afraid that maybe He wouldn’t be there this time. Or maybe, this time His love would not be as good as it was last time. Maybe, when I ask Him for love, I will only hear silence. I realized that I have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection. I am afraid that God is going to be holding out on me or that if I come and be vulnerable before Him that He will just leave me without saying a word. That is reality. I may “know” different in my head but in my heart, that is what I struggle with.
But I was honest with Him and just said, “Father I love you. Thank you that you love me.... What are you doing Father?” I asked. He said, “I am loving you.” In that moment I began to feel my heart swell with His tender affection.
My heart changed that day and I was a different person with my son. He has now changed as a result of that (just ask my wife).
Why is that we have to keep coming back to the Father for love? Why did He create us with hearts that leak and need to be refilled? I am not sure, but I think that it has something to do with Him wanting us to experience the goodness of His heart in a new way everyday - moment by moment. There is so much that He has to give and He wants us to experience His fullness as Jesus did.
This morning I sat down in my lazy boy to spend time with Abba. I was once again confronted with my fears. But I heard Jesus say,
“thank you that you always hear me Abba.”
I realized, with tears in my eyes, that I don’t have to be afraid because I am not alone. Father always hears me. He never leaves me. All I need to do is believe that Abba is as good as Jesus says He is, and surrender to that goodness.
It may seem faint at first, but try this and you will begin to feel the arms of Abba encompass you. There is no better place to be than in the arms of Eternity.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Part 2: Obstacles to Grace
*This is a continuation of a story that I started a few days ago. Please read that first so that you can understand the context of part 2.
“Once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been, and there you will long to return.” -Leonardo daVinci
I am well qualified to write about grace. Not because of what I have experienced or know, but because of what I lack. Not because I am whole, but because I am broken. I have been struggling with writing part 2 because I have been very aware of my brokeness recently and it makes me feel unqualified. But that is exactly what makes me qualified. One of the hardest things for me to grasp is that God is not asking me to be perfect but to know Him perfectly. He gave me a glimpse of His affection for me and now I spend all of my days looking skyward, longing to return to where I have been. But how? I did not know the way. There have been many obstacles that have obscured the path from my view. I am beginning to see the way home to grace more clearly now and would like to share some of the things that I have learned.
In my last entry I told the story about how I had received this word from my friend:
“Jacob, I see that you have been there. You know the place. You know the way. The Lord says that the door is open to you and you are welcome anytime you want.” - John MacGirvin
This word kept me honest in a way. It stuck in my mind as a constant reminder of what God was calling me to and that the way back to that place in His heart was obvious - to Him - and that it should be to me. I knew that I was on a journey of discovering the way back home. But I also knew that whatever that way was, that I had missed it. I had missed the way. I had missed the point. I thought that I had arrived and that all of my hard work had added up to me encountering His heart. So I tried to duplicate my awesomeness again and again. I came to the Lord with confidence because I knew the way; I knew what it took to find Him and to cause Him to respond to me. But the truth was that I was empty; I was full of myself and my abilities but empty of love and real relationship with Jesus. I did not know Jesus apart from my efforts to know Him. I was so caught up in everything that I was doing to be a christian that I missed the reality of actually knowing Jesus.
I knew a lot about Jesus but I struggled with questions like, what does it mean to believe in Jesus? How is it that Jesus is the way? How do I follow Him? It was all very abstract to me. A God who exists in concept and theory alone, but never touches the reality of my life and heart, serves only to inflate my head. It is the spirit of pornography that values appearances and accomplishments instead intimacy and real relationship. I was blinded by the temporal superficial skin of talents, abilities, knowledge, supernatural experiences, etc, and was thereby rendered dull and numb; unable to experience true intimacy and connection with the heart of God.
As my pastor said recently, “we know how to do church well...” We have bible studies and church services and times of worship and prayer but have little to say about Jesus or the Father. That kind of talk is reserved for evangelistic outreach. The majority of preaching is focused on the functions and duties and responsibilities of the institution of the church. We have lost our way. We have lost Jesus.
In order to be saved from our vain thinking and way of doing church we need to learn from Thomas when he says to Jesus, “...we do not know where you are going so how is it that we know the way?” (John 14:5-6) I am so glad that Thomas asks this question because it shows that he was actively listening to Jesus and trying to apply it to reality. I mean honestly, who really knows where Jesus is or the way to get to where He is? You can quote me all the scriptures about where He is or the way to get there - but who of us have actually experienced the reality of this? Thomas was concerned because he wanted to know the truth in the reality of his heart and not just have an abstract concept in his head that led to no where. That is where I was. I had a bunch of concepts about God that led to no where real. I “simply believed” what the scriptures said because I was afraid to question God.
Thomas, however, felt safe enough in the presence of Jesus to be honest about His confusion. I think that we are often forced to accept scripture because it is “God’s Word.” We do not dare to be honest with Jesus about what we are really thinking. We say, “well, this is the truth and therefore I believe!” That may appear spiritual or even noble but in reality it divorces you from reality - that you are where you are. Jesus knows where you are and does not expect you to be in any place different than where you are. If we can not be honest about this, then we will miss what comes next and will be stuck in our confusion - and still worse: be deceived into thinking that we have accepted the truth. Please do not settle for abstract religious concepts. Jesus is real - and He has an answer.
The answer that Jesus gives to Thomas is the answer that He gave to me after five years of trying to understand “the way” back to experiencing the Fathers heart. Jesus answers Thomas and says, “[Dear Thomas,] I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but through Me.” I knew that what I had experienced that day in KC was the Fathers embrace but what I did not understand was the way to be embraced again. The way to the Heart of the Father - to encountering the very Person of love and acceptance - is Jesus.
But how is it that Jesus is the way to the Father? For hundreds of years before Jesus, man was unable to hear or see truth about the Father. They were darkened in their understanding by the shadow of doubt that was cast by satan in the beginning. Man believed the lie that God could not be trusted; that He was self-seeking and unloving. There were those like Moses and David and others who caught glimpses of the truth but their perception of God was mostly marred. There was no way for man to get to the Father; they were unable to hear the truth about, or receive the life of the Father. They were captives of the dark kingdom.
Life apart from the love and acceptance of the Father is no life at all. It is death and darkness. We are so steeped in this dark mindset that when we view Jesus today, we see the merciful and kind Son who is trying to appease a wrathful, vengeful, and judgmental Father. What we miss is that the Father had been misrepresented for hundreds of years and Jesus came to be a revelation of the true nature of the Father and thereby becoming the only way back to the Father. To believe in Jesus is to believe that His representation of the Father is true. That is how Jesus is the way.
When we see Jesus with the woman caught in adultery we are actually seeing the heart of the Father being revealed. Do you remember the story? Jesus challenged the woman’s accusers to go ahead and cast the first stone if they themselves were free of sin. One by one, they dropped their stones and left. Jesus, now alone with the woman, says to her, “woman, where are your accusers? Who is it that condemns you?” She answers Him and says, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you: go and sin no more.”
Did you catch that? “I do not condemn you.” This is the revelation of the Fathers heart towards this woman (towards us). I feel like Jesus is saying, “You have been living under the impression that God is distant from and angry with you. He isn’t. I do not condemn you. Know my heart and do not misunderstand me anymore.”
Sin can only exist in the absence of the Light of His love. In fact, it could be said that sin is the absence of knowing His love. In the greek, sin means to miss the mark. If knowing Him and living in His love is the mark, then sin is to misunderstand His heart towards us. Jesus’ remedy for the adulterous woman was for her to know His love and not misunderstand (miss the mark) His heart towards her anymore.
One of the greatest obstacles to grace is in the thinking that His forgiveness comes after we say all the right words and repent. But the truth is that His forgiveness and acceptance of us is independent of anything that we say or do. The goal of His forgiveness is not that we would repent but that we would know His love and acceptance of us. One of the peripheral result of this is that in response to His love and complete acceptance of us - we are changed. Not that we work to change but that His love changes us. The question on judgment day will not be, “were you changed and did you live rightly?” but instead, “did you receive my love and forgiveness in the person of Jesus my Son?”
We are often blinded by focusing on ours or others behaviors, somehow thinking that this is the point of being a christian. We write “come as you are” on our church welcome signs but the dirty secret is “you better not stay that way - we’ll be watching.” The church is filled with people that feel confident because they abstain from certain things and proud because they do other things like pray a lot and read the bible every day. The person that finds comfort in doing all the right things is no less sinful than the prostitute. Both are trying to numb the ache in their souls for the Fathers embrace. Sin has little to do with behavior and much to do with the extent how much you are missing the mark. So you have to ask yourself, “what is the mark?”
I think that another one of the greatest obstacles to grace is this issue of sin. Most of us who have confessed our sins and asked for forgiveness are still separated the love of the Father. Like it or not. Maybe we are not separated theologically but in the reality of our hearts - we are cut off from His love because we think that unless we had confessed and until we change, we will not truly be forgiven. We find comfort from our dis-ease in our efforts to do things the right way and tell ourselves that we have done everything that is required for us to be forgiven and accepted - to be on good terms with God. But this way of thinking actually separates you from Him because you are not believing in Jesus but in yourself. Jesus invites you to simply receive His love and acceptance - to believe in Him. It is not something that you can, in any way, earn.
The point of me saying all of this is that I found a place in Jesus where I no longer have to do anything. A place where my record of rights and wrongs does not exist. A place where I am nothing but a child in His arms, completely loved and accepted.
I am glad to say that Jesus made a way for me to return to that place in the Father’s heart - and I have. It has almost nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him. My part looks like me standing on the edge of a cliff, closing my eyes, and falling into His love and acceptance. Honestly, it is too much for me. I am quickly overwhelmed when I realize that I am falling into an ocean of love that has no bottom or shore. But the few times that I have returned to this endless ocean of love, I am moved beyond tears because He is so much better than words could ever describe.
This is abundant life. This is eternal life. This is what Jesus died for you to know. This is knowing the Father.
This is home.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Part 1: Ruined by Love
Several years ago, I was at a conference in Kansas City where Heidi Baker was sharing about the love of the Father. During the conference, Heidi was doing her thing getting wrecked by the Goodness of God and I was on the outside looking in - wondering what I had to do to get what she had. I was desperate. More desperate than I had ever been in my life. This desperation drove me to do things that I am not accustomed to do - like jumping up in down in worship, screaming out loud to God, and lying on the floor crying. I had an intense longing for something more. I did not know what it would feel like to have what Heidi had, but I could imagine. It was so close that I could almost taste it. But alas, it did not seem to matter what I did, I could not get there - where ever there was. I left the conference that day exhausted and disillusioned. I knew that there was so much more in God to be experienced but I did not know how to get there. I remember that drive home so clearly. I was hopeful but drained. I knew that God was good and that my destiny was to know Him more but I was unsure of where to go from here.
I parked my car outside of the home where myself and a handful of other people were staying. The people that had carpooled with me got out and went inside. I stayed in the car and turned on some music. I leaned my seat back and opened my sun roof. It was a beautifully clear day outside with big billowing clouds everywhere. I relaxed into my seat and let go of figuring things out. I just rested, staring up into the sky. I began to feel the Lords presence so I closed my eyes and saw the clouds that I had just been watching with my eyes open. The clouds began to move and formed the shape of a heart. I chuckled and thought that it was kind of funny. Then, like a sonic boom thundering into my chest, this revelation of what I was seeing in the clouds hit me. It was my Father saying “I love you." Suddenly the vision changed and I was pulled into this "cloud" heart. It turned from white fluffy clouds to thick red love - and I was swimming in it. The warmth and intensity of this experience is quite difficult to describe but I remember that I was weeping and shaking with joy. I have never felt so loved and accepted. I was more than in His arms, I was in His heart. All I could see was red and all I could hear was, "I love you." This was the fulfillment of all my desires. I have never been so moved by something that was outside of me. What I mean is that most of the time when I am moved to tears, there is something I am consciously and cognitively processing and reacting to. But this experience of His love was happening so deep inside of me and it was so far outside of my comprehension, that my mind was blank and I was left in shear wonder and amazement. There were no words, only the experience of being completely enveloped in the Person of love. The experience lasted for what seemed like hours but in reality was probably about 15 minutes.
When I got out of the car I could hardly stand. I wobbled to the front porch and sat down. I began to weep again as an aftershock like wave of His love hit me again. I was lost again in His love and I knew that this is what heaven is like - is heaven. I sat there for awhile just soaking in His love and resting in His acceptance when decided to go inside. To be honest, I was not sure what do to. What are you supposed to do when you encounter God in such real and tangible way? I missed that memo.
I stumbled inside still feeling dizzy with the magnitude of what I had just experienced. There was a prayer meeting underway in the living room and the thought of doing anything other than receiving the Fathers love seemed silly to me. I went downstairs into the basement where I could be alone and sat down to just rest. The vision was gone at this point obviously, but I could still feel the warmth of His embrace and the tenderness of His heart. I began to cry again. It was just too good to be true. Is this really what God is like? Is this really how He feels towards me? Is what I just experienced real? I seriously asked that question. In my mind, I was still doubting the love and goodness of God. Then the Lord reminded me of what Heidi Baker had said earlier that day, "when the Lord gives you something, you must give it away." I was again doubting that I had received anything in the first place. But the Lord kept prompting me to give it away.
So, I went upstairs to where the prayer meeting was still going on and sat down. People began laying hands on each other and praying for various things. I did not know what to pray, only that God had told me to give it away. So I somewhat reluctantly got up and walked over to a woman and asked if I could pray for her. She said yes and reached out her hands to receive. I placed my hands around hers and as soon as our skin made contact she dropped to the floor and began to weep. "Ahh" I thought. That is how you give it away. Easy enough. I didn't even say anything. I touched several more people and the same thing happened. I began to truly believe that something significant had happened in me. I then decided to start praying for people using actual words. When I opened my mouth I began to speak into peoples lives with words and knowledge that was clearly - to me - not mine. I think I spent about the next four hours giving away what I had received.
I drove home to Indiana the next day still completely immersed in His presence. It felt like liquid love and acceptance that was continuously being poured into my heart. I did not have to do anything. I did not pray, I did not ask, or listen to worship music... nothing. This may sound strange but I did not eat for three days after this encounter - because I did not experience ANY hunger pains at all. I was so saturated in His love that I literally had trouble thinking about anything else.
This experience lasted for about three days. And then, without warning, I felt His presence start to lift. It was like falling out of an upside down pool and I remember being in such a state of panic wondering what I had done that this would be happening. Was it something that I said? Was it something that I didn't say? I began to cry out to the Lord, praying that He would not take this from me. My pleading did not seem to make a difference. in the span of about fifteen minutes I went from being as saturated as the oceans to as dry as the Sahara. In contrast to where I had been, the world seemed hard and cold. I was devastated. I laid on the floor and wondered if I would be able to go on living life as I had before - without an intense awareness of His affection for me; without the warmth of His embrace.
I began a quest to understand what had happened and why. I was determined to find that place in the Lord again. I knew irrefutably and unmistakably that what I had experienced was real.
No one knew this, but, my quest drove me to move from Indiana to Kansas City so that I could be in that environment where I had met with the Lord. I knew that I was not likely going to be able to recreate the experience but thought that there might be something special about that geographic area and the people who lived there. I had to be sure that I did everything that I could to find that place in God again.
KC is indeed a very special place and I learned a lot while I was there and the Lord did a lot in my heart. There were the 9 hour long prayer meetings in my apartment with friends where we saw visions and talked to angles. But honestly, it all felt shallow compared to my encounter with His heart. It was good - but it was not what I longed for.
I had been living in KC for many months when I was out to lunch with some friends, several of whom heard very clearly from the Lord on a regular basis. After lunch, one of my friends who was an older man leaned across the table and said, “Jacob, I see that you have been there. You know the place. You know the way. The Lord says that the door is open to you and you are welcome anytime you want.” I realized that I had stopped breathing. I was so desperate for the Lord to help me return to that place in His heart and was thrilled beyond words when I heard this. But then, I began to think about it and realized that the Lord was saying that I had access all that time. And not only that I had had access but that I knew the way! What?? If I knew the way, believe me - I would be there. This word drove me nuts because I could not understand what it meant. I wanted so badly to be where He was - what was it that was standing in my way? What was I missing?
The truth is that I was not yet ready to hear the truth. Often times the Lord takes us on a journey of discovering the truth rather than simply telling us what we need to hear. It is a journey that takes time - something that we have little appreciation for in consumer America. God’s desire is for us to know Him while most of the time we are willing to settle for information about Him.
It has been more than 5 years since I had that encounter with the Father and I am just now coming to a place in the journey where I am living in the reality of His love and acceptance consistently. In small degrees, I am experiencing that encounter with His heart again. This time, I know what is going on because of what He has taught me along the way.
Over the next several weeks, I would like to share some of those lessons that I have learned. From the beginning I have told the Lord that I do not want to experience anything that would make me some kind of super-christian, but that I only want what is accessible to the common man and woman. I believe that these things that the Lord has shown me (that I will be sharing in future blogs) will help you to truly know the reality of His love and acceptance in the way that you were created to. I pray that my little story has awakened an awareness in your heart that you were created for so much more than you have been led to believe.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Wanderings and Wonder
Can you see the color in the night
or the glow of hope in darkest plight
is there a way to know peace
in the midst angry seas
My soul longs to be held
in arms of love my worries melt
how am I to be home
when from the path I roam
Did You really win the fight
and for all mankind didst shine Your Light
what if I still feel lost
even though You've paid the cost
What is it that hides me from Your grace
am I afraid to see Your face
disappointment too hard to bear
Your anger is only fair
But a gentle nudge says otherwise
its only shame that You despise
fig leaves are no shield
if judgment's what You came to wield
Have You always felt this way
even from sins first day
did doubting cloud my view
of Your mercies ever new
Did it really take the Cross
to show us all what had been lost
the depth of love that knows no bounds
and grace extended 'till it's found
Is that Your whisper in the wind
like gravity You pull me close again
why do I still try to stand
when its You who hold me in Your hand
or the glow of hope in darkest plight
is there a way to know peace
in the midst angry seas
My soul longs to be held
in arms of love my worries melt
how am I to be home
when from the path I roam
Did You really win the fight
and for all mankind didst shine Your Light
what if I still feel lost
even though You've paid the cost
What is it that hides me from Your grace
am I afraid to see Your face
disappointment too hard to bear
Your anger is only fair
But a gentle nudge says otherwise
its only shame that You despise
fig leaves are no shield
if judgment's what You came to wield
Have You always felt this way
even from sins first day
did doubting cloud my view
of Your mercies ever new
Did it really take the Cross
to show us all what had been lost
the depth of love that knows no bounds
and grace extended 'till it's found
Is that Your whisper in the wind
like gravity You pull me close again
why do I still try to stand
when its You who hold me in Your hand
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