The Right Fight

Pornography. Yes, I said it. What an ugly word. What an ugly thing. I do not know what comes to your mind or what you feel when you read that word - but for me, its a word that hits a little too close to home. My home. No, it is not where I live or where I make my home. It is however something that has been following me for the past 17 years. It has caused a tremendous amount of destruction and pain to me and my family.

I am scared as hell to write about it. I am shaking right now. This is something that God has put on my heart. He asked me several days ago if I would be willing to write about it. The thought terrified me. The thought seemed ridiculous to me. But here I am writing. My prayer is that the Grace by which I now stand might be imparted to you as you read a little bit of my story.

My struggle with pornography began in my early teens and continued intensely through most of my young adult years. I sought out help from others but no one knew anything that was helpful. I spent hundreds of dollars on books and sermons; many hours reading and studying trying to find a way to get free. I was so desperate. I cried out to God again and again for help. No help came. I felt that God was silent. I resolved that this was my problem and that I was a sick man with little to no hope for improvement. 

But I did not give up. I kept searching for hope. I would fail. I would despair. I would crawl back up to my knees and beg for God's forgiveness and for Him to change me. I would live free for about a week and then fail again. The cycle continued.

In my heart I could not accept the fact that this was the way I was. I could not accept that this was just a thing that guys have to deal with. I remember thinking as a young man that since you had to be "18 years of age or older" to view porn, that it must mean that at that age you are more responsible and able to make good choices. Boy was I disappointed. Nothing changed. I remember being so distraught that I had fought this battle for so long, but felt like I had not gotten anywhere. Often after I had failed, I would weep and cry out to God for help and deliverance. I would try to pray more; read the bible more; worship more - but it did not set me free. I felt so lost. Despair was my companion.

I knew that there had to be something that I was missing. I would find some relief in the Lord's presence; He would comfort me and hold me. But I was mostly unable to let go of the shame and sense of failure. I remember gradually beginning to hear the Lord say to me, "I hear you My son, an answer is coming. But you can not yet hear it." His answer brought much hope but at the same time was extremely frustrating. What was I to do in the mean time? I have people that love me and depend on me. I was hurting myself and them. Was I just supposed to be okay for now; not worry because an answer is coming but for now you are just stuck? Deal with it? Not cool.

I continued my search for an answer. I was not about to just sit around and be a failure. I was determined to make something happen. I got into psychology. I studied the brain and emotions and learned lots of tools and received lots of healing and resolutions from my past. Some of that had value but most of it did not and the struggle continued. Ughh.

Much time passed, and then one day the Lord came to me and said, "I have things that I want to tell you and show you. But I can not because you are holding on so tightly to 'doing the right thing.' You are so afraid of failure that you can not see or hear what I want to teach you."

That was a new idea. It was a scary idea. I had not let go of this fight for a long time. This was my struggle against pornography. Mine. I was not about to let go of this battle. I am extremely obstinate. To let go meant to give-up. If I gave up I would really be a failure. How could God be okay with that? How could He love a complete failure? I did not feel that I could bear to disappoint Him anymore than I already had. I thought that grace meant that God was patient with us and gave us time and room to get our act together - as long as we kept trying. 

But I remember the Lord clearly saying to me, "I give you permission to fail." I was shocked because I realized that this released me of responsibility. Then He said to me, "I want you to entrust Me with your morality." I had never heard of anything like that before. I knew it was the Lord but I still could not believe what I was hearing. The Lord wanted me to let Him take on the responsibility of my morality. That was mine to take care of. It felt careless and… irresponsible of me to let go of something that I had held on to for so long.

I think that most people believe that it is our duty to control our own behavior (also called responsibility). But when Jesus asks us to trust Him with our lives and to let Him save us, He means for us to let go of everything; to surrender all. That includes our ability to sometimes do the right thing. It is only when we surrender our rights and abilities and strengths and weaknesses, that He is able to come and live in us and through us. The idea is that we actually become the righteousness of Christ. Not just positionally righteous, but truly the righteousness of Christ. The smaller we become the larger Christ can be in us. "It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me."

How does this practically apply to reality? I am glad you asked. As soon as I grabbed hold of this (or it grabbed hold of me) something happened to me that has never happened before. For a whole week I was tempted with the most blatant bait I have ever seen. It was ridiculous. In each instance where I would normally have had to choose if I was going to fight or give in - I did not have to do either. Instead, I surrendered to Him and let Him live through me. Jesus does not struggle with pornography. And when I lay down my life and He comes to life in me - then it appears that neither do I; though I know who I am without Him. I get to enjoy the righteousness of Christ living in me and through me.

I think that it is important to know that it did not start there. It started with me laying down my life and surrendering to Jesus in the small things. It is as we hear His voice and simply respond in surrender to His grace that we come to abide in Him and He in us (more on this next time). It is a process of surrender - little by little. He told me recently, "Surrender apart from trust is suicide. I am not going to ask you to surrender something to me unless you first trust Me in that area."

Do not do something out of a sense of duty. All that does is bring you into an abusive relationship with that law. This is a journey that takes place one step at a time. Father is patient and does not expect you to obey Him unless you first trust Him. This is not about doing the right thing! This is about becoming one with Him. He does not expect you to do the right thing - all He wants is for you to lay down your life and let Him live in you. His yoke is easy and His burden is so light. Quit trying to make it on your own. Freedom from sin does not mean that you want to do the right thing all the sudden - it means that you don't have to fight that fight anymore. Just surrender to His goodness.

I have to daily - moment by moment - come to Jesus and surrender my will and strength. In return, I have found abundant life and joy like I have never known.

Beloved one, do you know that He is pursuing you even now? He longs for you to simply surrender to His goodness and let His warm embrace envelop you. No, you have not earned it. No, you don't deserve it. That's the point. It is His grace. He says that you are worthy no matter where you are of what you have done.

Come to Jesus and live.


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Credits:

-Jesus-
My Savior, thank you for reaching down into Sheol, picking me up,  and then carrying me Home to the Father. In You I live. Thank you for making a way for me; for so perfectly showing me how to truly surrender all and let someone greater than yourself live through you. You are awesome.

-Spirit-
My Comforter and constant Friend, You are the dearest gift of all. Thank you for making Christ known to me and for revealing His Way. Thank you for gently and persistently nudging me toward the Truth. Thank You for Your warm comforting Presence that never leaves me alone.

-Father-
Papa, You are my Home. I am Yours. Thank You for loving me the most when I deserved it the least. Your faithfulness and lovingkindness are my anthem. Everything You do is perfect - I have no complaints. I love the life that You have given Me. Bless You.

-Anna-
My dear bride, you are beautiful and a joy to be married to. Thank you for being willing to let go of your husbands morality; even before he was. It has been a hard journey. Thank you for being so strong and for taking such risks in loving me - broken as I am. I am deeply touched by you.

-Ethan-
My brother. Thank you for being a witness of the Kings Way to me. I had forgotten of the upside down Kingdom and through your testimony and friendship I came to know Him again.

-Tom-
Dear friend. Thank you for being a father to me and for so clearly representing the Father and His love. Thank you for being willing to adopt me into your heart. The kindness you have shown and the life you have given me has changed me forever.

Matchbox Love

Since the day Samuel was conceived and came to life, I have been trying to find ways to connect with him and let his little heart know how much I love him. One of the ways that I have found I can effectively communicate this to him is by getting him cars. I carefully watched him during his first year, trying to figure out what it was that he was interested in. He showed an interest in one of my car brochures and it sparked the idea that maybe he would like a little matchbox car. So I got him one. The poor kid had been waiting his whole life for a toy as awesome as this. It was one of the first toys he ever really played with.

Since that time, we have bought him a new car just about every time we all go to the store together. It has been a very exciting thing were I have been able to communicate to Sam that I care about him and am interested in the things that bring joy to his heart.

Lately, things have changed and Samuel has decided that it is his right to get a car. He would say things to me like, "dad, you got to get this for me." I would say, "no, actually I dont." Poor kid, he seemed confused. All this time, he thought that he was the one that was making things happen - that it was his will and desire that got him a car - and missed the fact that it was his fathers heart, wanting to lay hold of his little heart, that made things happen.

I was thinking about all this when the Lord spoke to me and said, "My children often read the bible and find things that I have done and said and then think that they have me figured out. They think that I can be analyzed and reduced down to principles and rules, and then try to tell Me and everyone else, 'you've got to do it this way.' Well, I don't. Don't misinterpret my actions. I am after your heart Jacob."

Our Father is trying to lay hold of our little hearts. Since the beginning, He has used many different means and ways, but His goal has always been the same. The Father is trying to reconcile the world to Himself and He made the most powerful display of that in the life of His Son, Jesus.

Sensory Adaptation and Poo

The other day I was changing Samuel's diaper when he asked why I was so displeased at the scent of his poo. He was un-bothered by it and obviously confused as to why I would be. So, I thought about it for a moment and started to explain the principle of sensory adaptation to him. In short, when a stimulus is constant, your mind tunes it out so that you will not be overwhelmed by all that you can potentially sense. Sam had been stinky long enough that his mind tuned out the smell. That is called sensory adaptation.

While I was explaining this to Samuel, the Lord spoke to me and said, "you know you tune me out too, right?" I had not ever thought of it that way before but if there were ever a constant presence in my life, it would be Him. Jesus is what holds all things together - every fiber of the universe. His Glory covers the earth as the waters cover the sea. He said that nothing can separate me from His love and that He will be with me always. Am I aware of that?

Another constant stimulus that came to my mind is oxygen. Everybody needs it. It is all around us - but how many of us are aware of it and enjoy each breath? I began to take some time to think of all the other things that are present in my life but I am unaware of.

The interesting thing is, as I let my awareness shift and focus on what I have been tuning out, my awareness of that stimulus grows in my consciousness.

Have you been trying to find God and working and doing things to try to enter His presence? He is here now with you. Just as present as He ever will be.

Are you aware?

Ask Him for the Grace to realize what has been there all along.

Cliff Notes

"Will you let me save you?"

The question comes in the middle of a stream of thoughts of how I would handle my family being threatened and/or attacked. It is something that I have been thinking a lot of lately. Not because I feel like something is going to happen or that we are in any danger. But because along the path of becoming like Him, I am becoming increasingly aware of how much I depend on my own strength - and it helps me to extrapolate concepts into extreme circumstances so that I can better understand my present condition. Thus, I have been exploring scenarios in which it would hard to surrender my strength.

Violence is a solution that comes easily to my mind. I think that I know what I am capable of doing. I know that I would be willing to lay down my life to save my family. I know what I would be willing to do to anyone who threatened my family. But I have to wonder, is that the way? Is that the Jesus way?

Jesus was forced into many situations where violence would have been a just answer. There was a time when He was forced to the edge of a cliff by an angry mob and was about to be pushed off. Could he have fought back and yet not sinned? I think so, it would have been self defense. Why didn't He?

In case you are not familiar with this little story of Jesus being backed up against the edge of a cliff, you can find it in Luke 4:28-30. The amazing part of the story is that He is surrounded by people that want to kill Him when He "pass[ed] through their midst, [and] went His way." (NASB) The Greek clearly says that He walked through the middle of them. I don't know what comes to your mind when you read this, but for me I see Jesus becoming like a vapor and walking through the mob like He would a wall. He repeats this method of evasion at least three other times in which the wording is close to same - He passed through their midst.

I am tempted to create a step by step guide to how to survive a mob trying to kill me. I tend to look for something solid that I can grab hold of, depend on, and know with absolute certainty. I think that especially when it comes to protecting myself or family I would like to be able to be decisive and know that I either lay down and take a beating, I fight, or I run away - something where I can say, "this is the Jesus way" and do it - He didn't use violence; He turned into vapor and walked through people; something like that. But I think that there is "way" about Jesus to be observed here that is not readily apparent. It is not a "way" that can be quantified or formulated. It is the "way" of the Son fully surrendered to and dependent on His Father. It is a "way" that changes shape and form and method; but yet, is always the same. It is not a doctrine or a principle. It is a relationship; not based on rules but on the heart.

When I start to look at the life of Jesus through this lens, His way begins to become visible. He only did what He saw His Father doing - only said what He heard Him saying. His way is one that takes time. Lots of time. Trust has to be built. Small little steps have to be made before you are able to take big ones - like walking through people.

This is what I sensed when He asked me, "will you let me save you?" I became aware that I would not have the faith or the ability to trust Him in a situation as intense as defending my family, unless I first learn to surrender my strength and trust Him in the small things. When I encounter situations that I am fully capable of handling in my own strength, am I surrendered enough to let Him save me; to let Him guide me; to let Him give me His strength?

I am reminded of Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, where his virtue is found wanting due to a messenger of Satan. He pleads with the Lord that this "thorn in the flesh" might be taken from him. It seems that the answer he receives is not what he was looking for: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” I imagine he was looking for the Lord to fix him. He was asking God to restore him to full capacity so that he could live in the way that he felt he should - in his own strength. The thorn in his flesh tore him down and he was asking the Lord to rebuild him. But the Lord answers Him by saying that He will not rebuild Him. Instead, the Lord will fill him with His own strength; with His grace. When I took a look at the greek concerning the Lords response, it confirmed what I felt the Spirit had been speaking to me; "My grace will fill and satisfy and sustain you with unfailing strength. For my strength - the same strength that raised Christ from the dead - finds its proper place in rendering full the heart that is in want of strength and open to receive." (I would explain the greek here but encourage you to look at it yourself at bluletterbible.org)

I think that the way that Jesus modeled this is amazing because He was a man who lacked nothing. There was no lack of virtue. There was no lack of strength, or wisdom, or knowledge, etc. He was complete. He had no thorn in the flesh. He did not need one because He willingly surrendered all that He possessed so that He could embody the fullness of the Father. Consider that the perfect Son of God, when called "good teacher," said that there is no one good except the Father. That is an absurd thing to say. Jesus was good right? He was, but He had so emptied Himself of all that He was, that He was consumed with the Father. He was full. So full that He said, "if you have seen me, you have seen the Father." Wow.

True strength is not being all that you can be, but being so surrendered that you embody the fullness of the Fathers unlimited and perfect strength. Or as Paul says in verse 10, "For when I am weak, then, I am [truly] strong."

His strength may never look the same in any given situation. But the same strength that conquered the grave and turns Jesus to vapor is the strength that, regardless of the outcome, sustains us in His unfailing love. Which means, maybe I get pushed off the cliff because it is my time, or, maybe I am rescued by angles. Surrender does not secure the outcome that we desire, but it does bring us into the fullness of all that the Father has for us. I do not think that Jesus spent any time worrying about the direction of His life or the outcome of situations like when He was up against the cliff edge. I think that He was consumed with the Father and in perfect peace all of His days. In situations like the cliff, I believe that He was gently led and empowered by His Father, with no effort on His part except the simple surrender that He had been living for the past 30 years. It was nothing new to Him. It was surrender to, trust in, and dependence on His Father. To me it looks like a big deal, but I think that it was all the same to Jesus. "My Father is good and I am completely dependent on Him."

Jesus please lead me in your way, teach me your truth, and show me your life. Help me live a surrendered life and trust in the Fathers goodness just as You did.