The other day I spent several hours alone with Simone while Anna was out with her sisters. There was nobody at home so it was just Simone and I. Anna took off while Simone was sleeping and I sat in the living room reading a book. When Simone woke up she was very sad and seemed inconsolable. It was a beautiful day outside so I decided to take her out on the big swing (we were at the Davey's in West Lafayette). We casually swung for about five minutes. I was so happy to be swinging in the perfectly cool country air, overlooking a magnificent vista of trees and hills. The sky told of a coming storm with big dark clouds encroaching on the open sky, which is one of my favorite kinds of sky. But best of all, I had my little girl in my arms.
She was so precious as she leaned back against my chest and took in the scene as well. I wonder if she noticed the same things that I did. Like the dark clouds in the distance or the sound of the leaves seemingly trembling in anticipation of thirst quenching rain. She was looking at things that were much closer to us like the grass swaying in the wind and bird trying to get a quick meal before finding shelter. I wonder if she saw more detail than I; things that were smaller and more scalable to her. Like the ropes by which we were suspended. I saw her notice them out of the corner of her eye. She turned and examined where the rope connected to the seat of the swing and then she slowly looked up as her gaze followed along the entire length of rope, twenty-five feet up, to were it was tied around a tree branch. Then she examined the knot that was just above the seat of the swing to her left. She then considered that there might be one to her right as well. She turned and seemed satisfied to find one on her right as well. She reached out to touch the frayed ends of the knots and then grabbed hold of the rope just below. She looked to her left and seemed to be calculating the distance and deciding if her tiny arms could span the distance. Apparently her conclusion was that it was adequate as she reached and stretched her little arm out to the other side. Her little fingers tips barely reached the rope. Then, with characteristic Simone determination, she somehow stretched her arm a few inches further and grasped the rope. She held on tightly and satisfactorily looked out across the yard as would a captain regaining control of a ship gone awry.
I guess that her job was completed here because she raised her hand in the direction of the yard and started making little urgent noises, beckoning me to move on to some place new. We walked over to the trampoline and I set her down on the mat. The look on her face conveyed that I had misinterpreted her intentions and that she was quite sure that she was not going to be happy here. I had an idea to make things a little more interesting so I climbed up on the mat as well and laid down next to her. A little smile broke out on her face as if to say, "okay, so this might work." I grabbed a tennis ball and rolled it to one side of the trampoline. It quickly returned to us as my weight had created a sagging black hole of sorts. Simone liked this very much and giggled at our newfound game. I rolled the ball several more times before she reached out her hand and caught it. She was very pleased with herself. She lifted the ball up into the air with her short little arm in what appeared to be an attempt to toss the ball at me, but she let go of it too soon and it rolled down her back. After several more attempts she figured out that she needed to hold on to it for longer and was then able to throw it a good two feet.
So precious.
There was much more that we did together that day but my favorite thing of all was looking into her little blue eyes and learning her heart. We experienced a lot of different things together throughout the afternoon from playing and exploring to eating and relaxing on the porch. There is no substitute for one on one time with my children. I hope that I never forget that. There is so much depth of soul in my little ones that I will miss if I limit my role to just shepherding them. To truly be a father I must know their hearts and gracefully experience the depths of life with them. It will always take time; there is no quick way to lovingly live life with their little hearts. But as far as I know, it is one of best investments of time that I can possibly make.
There is something that changes in the heart of a child when they feel like they are known and yet still accepted and loved. If my children do not feel free to be honest with me, then, they will begin to hide their heart from me. I know that the only way that they will be able to trust me with their precious little hearts is if they feel like I know them and they know me - and that I will not try to control what I know about them. In other words, my son will not feel safe to expose the deep inter-workings of his heart if he knows that I will be upset and try to change what he shows me. He will develop secrets and darkness will grow as a result.
Transformation is never the result of fear. If my son changes his behavior out of a fear of being punished by me, then as soon as the threat is gone (I am not around--or he found a way to do it in secret), he will be left with the same heart issue that caused the "undesirable" behavior in the first place. Only this time, he will be all alone because I have taught him that I do not accept his brokenness. He will not feel safe to be himself with me. He will learn that this is something that he must hide and deal with on his own. He will learn that a christian is someone who is good at managing their behavior and hiding there brokenness - He will strive to be just like his dad.
True transformation is the result of being shaped by the one who fully knowns you, and at the same time, fully accepts you. This shaping takes place without effort or even consciousness on either persons part. This is what true authority looks like.
When my son was born, he fully trusted me and his heart was shaped by mine. A little known scientific fact is that the actual synapse and neural pathways in a child's brain are organized and shaped by looking into the eyes of their parents. My brain was/is downloaded and impressed into my children's--the good AND bad. They learn through their eyes much more than through their ears.
Like it or not (I don't most of the time), kids will reflect what they see--not so much what they are told. When my children look into my eyes they see the attitudes and brokeness that I have tried for years to deal with and/or hide. Many of these issues I am in denial about are issues that my parents never accepted about me and probably rejected about me. So I resent those things and deny that they exist. They were too painful for me to handle then because no one was there to be with me to help me work through them. There was only the threat of punishment if I did not find a way to kill or hide that part of my heart that was the root of the issue/behavior. So then when I see these same issues begin to surface in my kids, I get pissed and want to try to suppress and control them. I get pissed because the same pain and fear that I experienced as a child begins to resurface and as a defense mechanism, my subconsciousness activates anger/rejection to try to halt the external activity that is triggering this painful memory. Its a sick cycle.
What I needed and what my kids need is for these issues to loved, embraced, and understood. The one who is willing to and who we allow to embrace us in our brokeness will be the one who implicitly (subconsciously) shapes us.
As a parent, believe me, I know that this is very hard to do. I am constantly at war with my past as it attempts to control how I react to the present. Think about it; when I get angry at my kids because of their "bad" behavior, I am most often "re-acting" something from my past. My subconsciousness says, "this is how we dealt with this in the past--this is how we will deal with it now." My calling as a parent however dictates that I be responsible; that I maintain the "respond-ability" or"ability-to-respond" to my kids and turn my affections toward them, not "re-act" to them and turn away from them! Re-acting is a self defense mechanism. Respond-ability is the ability lovingly respond to our kids worse behavior--it seeks the other persons best and embraces the darkness without any thought of self.
How is this possible? The only way that I know of is for me to believe in and trust in Jesus--that He loves and accepts me--and then allow Him to begin to embrace and accept these places in my heart that I have suppressed and kept hidden for years. This is what it means to be saved. This is the work of Grace. This is what Jesus came for; what He died for. To show us how far His love would go: to death and back. There is nothing too dark or too deep or too dead**. His grace extends to all-of-me. (for a real life example from my life of this process, read: http://tiny.cc/y5611)
My role as a parent is to do my best to be honest with my children. I am to show them the truth about what Jesus has done in my heart and to also be honest about the brokeness that I know they can see in me. I have to be honest and not pretend that daddy is perfect. I must not be afraid of losing their respect or fear that they will not honor me if they see my flaws. My only concern is that they see the work of Jesus in my life and they know that they need Jesus as much as I do; that we are the same--both in need of a savior; both broken. How else will they know? Must they wait until they leave home to get a dose of reality--to see the Truth--to see Jesus? Will I construct an alternate reality where I daily deceive them into thinking that everything is okay with me?--that they are the ones who are messed up--not ME??
By Gods grace they will see Him in me today and know that the goal is not to be perfect, but to be honestly held and known by both me and their Father in heaven.
**It is important to realize that while God has the ability to see and know everything about you, He chooses not to. There will come a day when the mountains will melt like wax before Him and everything will be laid bare---but that day is not yet. For now, He has limited Himself to only know(experience) what you are willing to share with Him. God honors you and does not force Himself on you. The nature of His love is that it changes whatever it touches. If His love was everywhere and touched all of you--you would be just like Him. But you are not. Because you have areas of your heart that you have kept "hidden" from Him; from His love.
Its the way real relationships work. Maybe pretend "theological" relationships are more fun to be believe in but whatever.... I can only know my wife to the extent that she trusts me and is willing to be honest with me. We may say that we trust Jesus--but the whole truth is that there are many areas in our heart we have yet to intrust Him with. Thats okay. Just don't lie--dont live in denial. Be broken in front of Jesus, in front of your spouse, in front of your kids. The world needs to see the real thing. I am tired of being fake. Aren't you?
She was so precious as she leaned back against my chest and took in the scene as well. I wonder if she noticed the same things that I did. Like the dark clouds in the distance or the sound of the leaves seemingly trembling in anticipation of thirst quenching rain. She was looking at things that were much closer to us like the grass swaying in the wind and bird trying to get a quick meal before finding shelter. I wonder if she saw more detail than I; things that were smaller and more scalable to her. Like the ropes by which we were suspended. I saw her notice them out of the corner of her eye. She turned and examined where the rope connected to the seat of the swing and then she slowly looked up as her gaze followed along the entire length of rope, twenty-five feet up, to were it was tied around a tree branch. Then she examined the knot that was just above the seat of the swing to her left. She then considered that there might be one to her right as well. She turned and seemed satisfied to find one on her right as well. She reached out to touch the frayed ends of the knots and then grabbed hold of the rope just below. She looked to her left and seemed to be calculating the distance and deciding if her tiny arms could span the distance. Apparently her conclusion was that it was adequate as she reached and stretched her little arm out to the other side. Her little fingers tips barely reached the rope. Then, with characteristic Simone determination, she somehow stretched her arm a few inches further and grasped the rope. She held on tightly and satisfactorily looked out across the yard as would a captain regaining control of a ship gone awry.
I guess that her job was completed here because she raised her hand in the direction of the yard and started making little urgent noises, beckoning me to move on to some place new. We walked over to the trampoline and I set her down on the mat. The look on her face conveyed that I had misinterpreted her intentions and that she was quite sure that she was not going to be happy here. I had an idea to make things a little more interesting so I climbed up on the mat as well and laid down next to her. A little smile broke out on her face as if to say, "okay, so this might work." I grabbed a tennis ball and rolled it to one side of the trampoline. It quickly returned to us as my weight had created a sagging black hole of sorts. Simone liked this very much and giggled at our newfound game. I rolled the ball several more times before she reached out her hand and caught it. She was very pleased with herself. She lifted the ball up into the air with her short little arm in what appeared to be an attempt to toss the ball at me, but she let go of it too soon and it rolled down her back. After several more attempts she figured out that she needed to hold on to it for longer and was then able to throw it a good two feet.
So precious.
There is something that changes in the heart of a child when they feel like they are known and yet still accepted and loved. If my children do not feel free to be honest with me, then, they will begin to hide their heart from me. I know that the only way that they will be able to trust me with their precious little hearts is if they feel like I know them and they know me - and that I will not try to control what I know about them. In other words, my son will not feel safe to expose the deep inter-workings of his heart if he knows that I will be upset and try to change what he shows me. He will develop secrets and darkness will grow as a result.
Transformation is never the result of fear. If my son changes his behavior out of a fear of being punished by me, then as soon as the threat is gone (I am not around--or he found a way to do it in secret), he will be left with the same heart issue that caused the "undesirable" behavior in the first place. Only this time, he will be all alone because I have taught him that I do not accept his brokenness. He will not feel safe to be himself with me. He will learn that this is something that he must hide and deal with on his own. He will learn that a christian is someone who is good at managing their behavior and hiding there brokenness - He will strive to be just like his dad.
True transformation is the result of being shaped by the one who fully knowns you, and at the same time, fully accepts you. This shaping takes place without effort or even consciousness on either persons part. This is what true authority looks like.
When my son was born, he fully trusted me and his heart was shaped by mine. A little known scientific fact is that the actual synapse and neural pathways in a child's brain are organized and shaped by looking into the eyes of their parents. My brain was/is downloaded and impressed into my children's--the good AND bad. They learn through their eyes much more than through their ears.
Like it or not (I don't most of the time), kids will reflect what they see--not so much what they are told. When my children look into my eyes they see the attitudes and brokeness that I have tried for years to deal with and/or hide. Many of these issues I am in denial about are issues that my parents never accepted about me and probably rejected about me. So I resent those things and deny that they exist. They were too painful for me to handle then because no one was there to be with me to help me work through them. There was only the threat of punishment if I did not find a way to kill or hide that part of my heart that was the root of the issue/behavior. So then when I see these same issues begin to surface in my kids, I get pissed and want to try to suppress and control them. I get pissed because the same pain and fear that I experienced as a child begins to resurface and as a defense mechanism, my subconsciousness activates anger/rejection to try to halt the external activity that is triggering this painful memory. Its a sick cycle.
What I needed and what my kids need is for these issues to loved, embraced, and understood. The one who is willing to and who we allow to embrace us in our brokeness will be the one who implicitly (subconsciously) shapes us.
As a parent, believe me, I know that this is very hard to do. I am constantly at war with my past as it attempts to control how I react to the present. Think about it; when I get angry at my kids because of their "bad" behavior, I am most often "re-acting" something from my past. My subconsciousness says, "this is how we dealt with this in the past--this is how we will deal with it now." My calling as a parent however dictates that I be responsible; that I maintain the "respond-ability" or"ability-to-respond" to my kids and turn my affections toward them, not "re-act" to them and turn away from them! Re-acting is a self defense mechanism. Respond-ability is the ability lovingly respond to our kids worse behavior--it seeks the other persons best and embraces the darkness without any thought of self.
How is this possible? The only way that I know of is for me to believe in and trust in Jesus--that He loves and accepts me--and then allow Him to begin to embrace and accept these places in my heart that I have suppressed and kept hidden for years. This is what it means to be saved. This is the work of Grace. This is what Jesus came for; what He died for. To show us how far His love would go: to death and back. There is nothing too dark or too deep or too dead**. His grace extends to all-of-me. (for a real life example from my life of this process, read: http://tiny.cc/y5611)
My role as a parent is to do my best to be honest with my children. I am to show them the truth about what Jesus has done in my heart and to also be honest about the brokeness that I know they can see in me. I have to be honest and not pretend that daddy is perfect. I must not be afraid of losing their respect or fear that they will not honor me if they see my flaws. My only concern is that they see the work of Jesus in my life and they know that they need Jesus as much as I do; that we are the same--both in need of a savior; both broken. How else will they know? Must they wait until they leave home to get a dose of reality--to see the Truth--to see Jesus? Will I construct an alternate reality where I daily deceive them into thinking that everything is okay with me?--that they are the ones who are messed up--not ME??
By Gods grace they will see Him in me today and know that the goal is not to be perfect, but to be honestly held and known by both me and their Father in heaven.
**It is important to realize that while God has the ability to see and know everything about you, He chooses not to. There will come a day when the mountains will melt like wax before Him and everything will be laid bare---but that day is not yet. For now, He has limited Himself to only know(experience) what you are willing to share with Him. God honors you and does not force Himself on you. The nature of His love is that it changes whatever it touches. If His love was everywhere and touched all of you--you would be just like Him. But you are not. Because you have areas of your heart that you have kept "hidden" from Him; from His love.
Its the way real relationships work. Maybe pretend "theological" relationships are more fun to be believe in but whatever.... I can only know my wife to the extent that she trusts me and is willing to be honest with me. We may say that we trust Jesus--but the whole truth is that there are many areas in our heart we have yet to intrust Him with. Thats okay. Just don't lie--dont live in denial. Be broken in front of Jesus, in front of your spouse, in front of your kids. The world needs to see the real thing. I am tired of being fake. Aren't you?
