Part 1: Ruined by Love

Several years ago, I was at a conference in Kansas City where Heidi Baker was sharing about the love of the Father. During the conference, Heidi was doing her thing getting wrecked by the Goodness of God and I was on the outside looking in - wondering what I had to do to get what she had. I was desperate. More desperate than I had ever been in my life. This desperation drove me to do things that I am not accustomed to do - like jumping up in down in worship, screaming out loud to God, and lying on the floor crying. I had an intense longing for something more. I did not know what it would feel like to have what Heidi had, but I could imagine. It was so close that I could almost taste it. But alas, it did not seem to matter what I did, I could not get there - where ever there was. I left the conference that day exhausted and disillusioned. I knew that there was so much more in God to be experienced but I did not know how to get there. I remember that drive home so clearly. I was hopeful but drained. I knew that God was good and that my destiny was to know Him more but I was unsure of where to go from here.

I parked my car outside of the home where myself and a handful of other people were staying. The people that had carpooled with me got out and went inside. I stayed in the car and turned on some music. I leaned my seat back and opened my sun roof. It was a beautifully clear day outside with big billowing clouds everywhere. I relaxed into my seat and let go of figuring things out. I just rested, staring up into the sky. I began to feel the Lords presence so I closed my eyes and saw the clouds that I had just been watching with my eyes open. The clouds began to move and formed the shape of a heart. I chuckled and thought that it was kind of funny. Then, like a sonic boom thundering into my chest, this revelation of what I was seeing in the clouds hit me. It was my Father saying “I love you." Suddenly the vision changed and I was pulled into this "cloud" heart. It turned from white fluffy clouds to thick red love - and I was swimming in it. The warmth and intensity of this experience is quite difficult to describe but I remember that I was weeping and shaking with joy. I have never felt so loved and accepted. I was more than in His arms, I was in His heart. All I could see was red and all I could hear was, "I love you." This was the fulfillment of all my desires. I have never been so moved by something that was outside of me. What I mean is that most of the time when I am moved to tears, there is something I am consciously and cognitively processing and reacting to. But this experience of His love was happening so deep inside of me and it was so far outside of my comprehension, that my mind was blank and I was left in shear wonder and amazement. There were no words, only the experience of being completely enveloped in the Person of love. The experience lasted for what seemed like hours but in reality was probably about 15 minutes. 

When I got out of the car I could hardly stand. I wobbled to the front porch and sat down. I began to weep again as an aftershock like wave of His love hit me again. I was lost again in His love and I knew that this is what heaven is like - is heaven. I sat there for awhile just soaking in His love and resting in His acceptance when decided to go inside. To be honest, I was not sure what do to. What are you supposed to do when you encounter God in such real and tangible way? I missed that memo. 

I stumbled inside still feeling dizzy with the magnitude of what I had just experienced. There was a prayer meeting underway in the living room and the thought of doing anything other than receiving the Fathers love seemed silly to me. I went downstairs into the basement where I could be alone and sat down to just rest. The vision was gone at this point obviously, but I could still feel the warmth of His embrace and the tenderness of His heart. I began to cry again. It was just too good to be true. Is this really what God is like? Is this really how He feels towards me? Is what I just experienced real? I seriously asked that question. In my mind, I was still doubting the love and goodness of God. Then the Lord reminded me of what Heidi Baker had said earlier that day, "when the Lord gives you something, you must give it away." I was again doubting that I had received anything in the first place. But the Lord kept prompting me to give it away. 

So, I went upstairs to where the prayer meeting was still going on and sat down. People began laying hands on each other and praying for various things. I did not know what to pray, only that God had told me to give it away. So I somewhat reluctantly got up and walked over to a woman and asked if I could pray for her. She said yes and reached out her hands to receive. I placed my hands around hers and as soon as our skin made contact she dropped to the floor and began to weep. "Ahh" I thought. That is how you give it away. Easy enough. I didn't even say anything. I touched several more people and the same thing happened. I began to truly believe that something significant had happened in me. I then decided to start praying for people using actual words. When I opened my mouth I began to speak into peoples lives with words and knowledge that was clearly - to me - not mine. I think I spent about the next four hours giving away what I had received. 

I drove home to Indiana the next day still completely immersed in His presence. It felt like liquid love and acceptance that was continuously being poured into my heart. I did not have to do anything. I did not pray, I did not ask, or listen to worship music... nothing. This may sound strange but I did not eat for three days after this encounter - because I did not experience ANY hunger pains at all. I was so saturated in His love that I literally had trouble thinking about anything else.

This experience lasted for about three days. And then, without warning, I felt His presence start to lift. It was like falling out of an upside down pool and I remember being in such a state of panic wondering what I had done that this would be happening. Was it something that I said? Was it something that I didn't say? I began to cry out to the Lord, praying that He would not take this from me. My pleading did not seem to make a difference. in the span of about fifteen minutes I went from being as saturated as the oceans to as dry as the Sahara. In contrast to where I had been, the world seemed hard and cold. I was devastated. I laid on the floor and wondered if I would be able to go on living life as I had before - without an intense awareness of His affection for me; without the warmth of His embrace. 

I began a quest to understand what had happened and why. I was determined to find that place in the Lord again. I knew irrefutably and unmistakably that what I had experienced was real. 

No one knew this, but, my quest drove me to move from Indiana to Kansas City so that I could be in that environment where I had met with the Lord. I knew that I was not likely going to be able to recreate the experience but thought that there might be something special about that geographic area and the people who lived there. I had to be sure that I did everything that I could to find that place in God again. 

KC is indeed a very special place and I learned a lot while I was there and the Lord did a lot in my heart. There were the 9 hour long prayer meetings in my apartment with friends where we saw visions and talked to angles. But honestly, it all felt shallow compared to my encounter with His heart. It was good - but it was not what I longed for. 

I had been living in KC for many months when I was out to lunch with some friends, several of whom heard very clearly from the Lord on a regular basis. After lunch, one of my friends who was an older man leaned across the table and said, “Jacob, I see that you have been there. You know the place. You know the way. The Lord says that the door is open to you and you are welcome anytime you want.” I realized that I had stopped breathing. I was so desperate for the Lord to help me return to that place in His heart and was thrilled beyond words when I heard this. But then, I began to think about it and realized that the Lord was saying that I had access all that time. And not only that I had had access but that I knew the way! What?? If I knew the way, believe me - I would be there. This word drove me nuts because I could not understand what it meant. I wanted so badly to be where He was - what was it that was standing in my way? What was I missing?

The truth is that I was not yet ready to hear the truth. Often times the Lord takes us on a journey of discovering the truth rather than simply telling us what we need to hear. It is a journey that takes time - something that we have little appreciation for in consumer America. God’s desire is for us to know Him while most of the time we are willing to settle for information about Him. 

It has been more than 5 years since I had that encounter with the Father and I am just now coming to a place in the journey where I am living in the reality of His love and acceptance consistently. In small degrees, I am experiencing that encounter with His heart again. This time, I know what is going on because of what He has taught me along the way. 

Over the next several weeks, I would like to share some of those lessons that I have learned. From the beginning I have told the Lord that I do not want to experience anything that would make me some kind of super-christian, but that I only want what is accessible to the common man and woman. I believe that these things that the Lord has shown me (that I will be sharing in future blogs) will help you to truly know the reality of His love and acceptance in the way that you were created to. I pray that my little story has awakened an awareness in your heart that you were created for so much more than you have been led to believe.