The Right Fight

Pornography. Yes, I said it. What an ugly word. What an ugly thing. I do not know what comes to your mind or what you feel when you read that word - but for me, its a word that hits a little too close to home. My home. No, it is not where I live or where I make my home. It is however something that has been following me for the past 17 years. It has caused a tremendous amount of destruction and pain to me and my family.

I am scared as hell to write about it. I am shaking right now. This is something that God has put on my heart. He asked me several days ago if I would be willing to write about it. The thought terrified me. The thought seemed ridiculous to me. But here I am writing. My prayer is that the Grace by which I now stand might be imparted to you as you read a little bit of my story.

My struggle with pornography began in my early teens and continued intensely through most of my young adult years. I sought out help from others but no one knew anything that was helpful. I spent hundreds of dollars on books and sermons; many hours reading and studying trying to find a way to get free. I was so desperate. I cried out to God again and again for help. No help came. I felt that God was silent. I resolved that this was my problem and that I was a sick man with little to no hope for improvement. 

But I did not give up. I kept searching for hope. I would fail. I would despair. I would crawl back up to my knees and beg for God's forgiveness and for Him to change me. I would live free for about a week and then fail again. The cycle continued.

In my heart I could not accept the fact that this was the way I was. I could not accept that this was just a thing that guys have to deal with. I remember thinking as a young man that since you had to be "18 years of age or older" to view porn, that it must mean that at that age you are more responsible and able to make good choices. Boy was I disappointed. Nothing changed. I remember being so distraught that I had fought this battle for so long, but felt like I had not gotten anywhere. Often after I had failed, I would weep and cry out to God for help and deliverance. I would try to pray more; read the bible more; worship more - but it did not set me free. I felt so lost. Despair was my companion.

I knew that there had to be something that I was missing. I would find some relief in the Lord's presence; He would comfort me and hold me. But I was mostly unable to let go of the shame and sense of failure. I remember gradually beginning to hear the Lord say to me, "I hear you My son, an answer is coming. But you can not yet hear it." His answer brought much hope but at the same time was extremely frustrating. What was I to do in the mean time? I have people that love me and depend on me. I was hurting myself and them. Was I just supposed to be okay for now; not worry because an answer is coming but for now you are just stuck? Deal with it? Not cool.

I continued my search for an answer. I was not about to just sit around and be a failure. I was determined to make something happen. I got into psychology. I studied the brain and emotions and learned lots of tools and received lots of healing and resolutions from my past. Some of that had value but most of it did not and the struggle continued. Ughh.

Much time passed, and then one day the Lord came to me and said, "I have things that I want to tell you and show you. But I can not because you are holding on so tightly to 'doing the right thing.' You are so afraid of failure that you can not see or hear what I want to teach you."

That was a new idea. It was a scary idea. I had not let go of this fight for a long time. This was my struggle against pornography. Mine. I was not about to let go of this battle. I am extremely obstinate. To let go meant to give-up. If I gave up I would really be a failure. How could God be okay with that? How could He love a complete failure? I did not feel that I could bear to disappoint Him anymore than I already had. I thought that grace meant that God was patient with us and gave us time and room to get our act together - as long as we kept trying. 

But I remember the Lord clearly saying to me, "I give you permission to fail." I was shocked because I realized that this released me of responsibility. Then He said to me, "I want you to entrust Me with your morality." I had never heard of anything like that before. I knew it was the Lord but I still could not believe what I was hearing. The Lord wanted me to let Him take on the responsibility of my morality. That was mine to take care of. It felt careless and… irresponsible of me to let go of something that I had held on to for so long.

I think that most people believe that it is our duty to control our own behavior (also called responsibility). But when Jesus asks us to trust Him with our lives and to let Him save us, He means for us to let go of everything; to surrender all. That includes our ability to sometimes do the right thing. It is only when we surrender our rights and abilities and strengths and weaknesses, that He is able to come and live in us and through us. The idea is that we actually become the righteousness of Christ. Not just positionally righteous, but truly the righteousness of Christ. The smaller we become the larger Christ can be in us. "It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me."

How does this practically apply to reality? I am glad you asked. As soon as I grabbed hold of this (or it grabbed hold of me) something happened to me that has never happened before. For a whole week I was tempted with the most blatant bait I have ever seen. It was ridiculous. In each instance where I would normally have had to choose if I was going to fight or give in - I did not have to do either. Instead, I surrendered to Him and let Him live through me. Jesus does not struggle with pornography. And when I lay down my life and He comes to life in me - then it appears that neither do I; though I know who I am without Him. I get to enjoy the righteousness of Christ living in me and through me.

I think that it is important to know that it did not start there. It started with me laying down my life and surrendering to Jesus in the small things. It is as we hear His voice and simply respond in surrender to His grace that we come to abide in Him and He in us (more on this next time). It is a process of surrender - little by little. He told me recently, "Surrender apart from trust is suicide. I am not going to ask you to surrender something to me unless you first trust Me in that area."

Do not do something out of a sense of duty. All that does is bring you into an abusive relationship with that law. This is a journey that takes place one step at a time. Father is patient and does not expect you to obey Him unless you first trust Him. This is not about doing the right thing! This is about becoming one with Him. He does not expect you to do the right thing - all He wants is for you to lay down your life and let Him live in you. His yoke is easy and His burden is so light. Quit trying to make it on your own. Freedom from sin does not mean that you want to do the right thing all the sudden - it means that you don't have to fight that fight anymore. Just surrender to His goodness.

I have to daily - moment by moment - come to Jesus and surrender my will and strength. In return, I have found abundant life and joy like I have never known.

Beloved one, do you know that He is pursuing you even now? He longs for you to simply surrender to His goodness and let His warm embrace envelop you. No, you have not earned it. No, you don't deserve it. That's the point. It is His grace. He says that you are worthy no matter where you are of what you have done.

Come to Jesus and live.


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Credits:

-Jesus-
My Savior, thank you for reaching down into Sheol, picking me up,  and then carrying me Home to the Father. In You I live. Thank you for making a way for me; for so perfectly showing me how to truly surrender all and let someone greater than yourself live through you. You are awesome.

-Spirit-
My Comforter and constant Friend, You are the dearest gift of all. Thank you for making Christ known to me and for revealing His Way. Thank you for gently and persistently nudging me toward the Truth. Thank You for Your warm comforting Presence that never leaves me alone.

-Father-
Papa, You are my Home. I am Yours. Thank You for loving me the most when I deserved it the least. Your faithfulness and lovingkindness are my anthem. Everything You do is perfect - I have no complaints. I love the life that You have given Me. Bless You.

-Anna-
My dear bride, you are beautiful and a joy to be married to. Thank you for being willing to let go of your husbands morality; even before he was. It has been a hard journey. Thank you for being so strong and for taking such risks in loving me - broken as I am. I am deeply touched by you.

-Ethan-
My brother. Thank you for being a witness of the Kings Way to me. I had forgotten of the upside down Kingdom and through your testimony and friendship I came to know Him again.

-Tom-
Dear friend. Thank you for being a father to me and for so clearly representing the Father and His love. Thank you for being willing to adopt me into your heart. The kindness you have shown and the life you have given me has changed me forever.